Ones and twos fall through me like singles and pairs

Like the late 90s/early 00s screamo band, Portrait said in Junction At Barcelona, 'I didn't want your last words to be goodbye.' That goes for everyone. I don't think I have to say it out loud but for the record, I miss the beautiful north.

I'll see all of you soon. There will be a next time, I hope. We all looked pretty happy that day, at least.

Majopaps!

The two wonderful girls with me up in the picture are Nads and Xiomara, both literature students from St. Scholastica's College up in Manila. Collectively, the three of us are referred to as the Majopaps. I spent some time with them while I was on tour, Nads offered us a place to stay actually; really really generous of her. She gave us food and a house and that's more than enough to make us eternally thankful since our October 2009 tour wouldn't have been the same without her. Xioms on the other hand is a friend of Nads and hung out with us for a night or so apart from tagging along when we went to Enchanted Kingdom and the Asterisk* Alarme! show on the 25th.

Truth be told, I'm really cautious around new people; especially when I know it'll put me in a position where I need to lower my defenses. Well, turns out these two are well worth it. They were nice from the very onset and didn't spare me the bitter pill whenever I needed it either, something I really really need from real friends. They're fun to be around, they actually really care and I'd really want to spend more time with them next time.

This is the start of something beautiful and I wouldn't want to live and work up in Manila without you two with me. Let's stay friends, please. I need more of you, honestly.

I'm sorry for falling short this time, I know it wouldn't be the last and as with a lot of things; we've only just begun.

See you, Majopaps!

P.S.

Xioms: Dapat tuloy yung Davao trip ninyo. Let's write stuff rin. I miss you two already. Thank your brother for taking pics btw. Tell him I said hi.

Nads: From now on, in my drawings you will be represented by muffins and a brownie. Next time we cry, it has to be tears of joy. :)

Letters from Santa Rosa

Tour is over and I find myself inching down the long road home. I'd like to tell myself the whole thing was a success considering we sold our Tour EP's out and played consistently well over the course of the past few days but I think it would be an injustice to say this without acknowledging the collective efforts of everyone who helped make this trip memorable. It is with a heavy heart that I say that in less than a day, all of this has to end. I know a part of myself will always keep on coming back to this point in my life. I'll have a lot of memories to keep me company before I see these people again. More than anything, I'm thankful this happened.

I would like to say a few things before going to sleep. I haven't felt like this in a long time and whereas I'm predisposed to take on things as would a hopeless romantic, this is something that just set the bar a bit higher in regards to the whole notion of where I stand on shared experience. There are so many beautiful things about you that I clearly see but couldn't readily speak of nor point out. This is ridiculous to say the least but I could say I tried to reach out to you and we do have a few hours of memory to work on. That's enough for me to work with, if I still know how to. You're forgetful, I know but for one I seriously wish you wouldn't forget this when all of the dust settles and the smoke clears. We deserve to be happy, I couldn't stress that enough. Someday, I just hope to see you happy. Friends, soulmates, everything else, I don't know what to call it. You're not just anyone to me anymore after this. All I could do now is believe and hope that I would be able to repay you somehow for everything you've done for me and the way you made me feel from the first time we spoke.

It doesn't have to be anything. Before I head home, I just want to let you know that I'm just here, admiring you from afar. I will always feel the same way I did as that first time I saw you.

This isn't goodbye.


It's never really goodbye.

Still not any closer?

At least I'm glad to know she got that package I sent. I guess this whole thing is running its course and we're in about as much dead trajectory as you could ask for in reference to the whole matter. I'll do things for you if you make me smile, I'm just that kind of kid. She made me smile a lot, so I sent her stuff for her birthday.

Does this say anything about how starved I am in that department? I don't know. I know I quoted long distances earlier; the feeling of having a part of me up in some far-off place and in someone's hands is to die for but I guess I actually AM hoping that whatever I sent would mean something to her.

Well I better get used to the feeling, I'll be single til forever. At least let me show you my admiration while I can.

I'm still not any closer.


Unless if you count how close I'm getting to having a stroke.

Love your friends, die laughing

Somehow, there's a part of me that still thinks this way. Thanks to Kreame for showing me this video, it made me laugh. I needed this.

Notes

Unaddressed, the same could be just as sincerely meant. Today isn't like yesterday; we moved a day forward on the calendar and now I miss you more. Up to you and how you take it. I only have the rest of my life to wait. Now, who and where are you exactly?

Model UN

Yes, that's what the title says. Just look at that picture. We have a guy from Kenya, a guy of Taiwanese descent, a mainland Chinese guy, an Arab, a Filipino, two white people, a half Filipino and a kid who looks vaguely Mexican. This is the group of people I usually hang out with in school sans Paeng, who I've known since forever and play in bands with. All their eccentricities aside, they are good people. Lots of fun too. Kept my first semester for the year 2009 from being a complete flop, well almost.

On a side note, it makes me happy seeing Paris and Lyndsay together. She just flew in from California the other day to spend a few weeks with everyone's favorite expatriate drummer boy. Long distance relationships ARE KNOWN TO FUCKING KILL but hey they're keeping it going and I've kept a few ones afloat myself for a decent amount of time. I wish them the best of luck and I really hope this turns out well. I used to be like that.

I haven't gone out with the guys for the longest time and I know I totally bailed on them earlier while they were on their way to Some Place Else. Maybe next time guys, god I'm sorry. I'm trying my best to balance things I'm supposed to attend to I swear I'm going to make it up to you.

Oh yeah, have any of you seen Kevin lately? Just in case you think you might have, we are in no way affiliated with that Rainbow guy who got fucked up a while back. Besides, his name's ANJO. No way it could be anyone we know. Haha

I'm starting to feel less lonely, I guess it pays being a tad shallow in some places. Company actually means a lot and these dudes have been there. Just saying.

See you next time, Model UN!

Watching from a distance

I'll be back in Manila again this Thursday and I really hope it does me more good than harm this time. My band will be on tour and here are the tour dates; Static South at Al's Bar, BF Paranaque on the 23rd for Tubby Trousers, Earth Decay 09 at Lions' Club, San Pablo Laguna on the 24th for our good friend, Agee Linan and *Alarme! by the Asterisk *Collective kids at Fourthdoor Art Space along Karapatan St., Sta Cruz, Manila.

If any of you kids happen to be in the area, please do come out and watch us. We won't be back for a very long time so yeah, don't want you kids to miss out. :)

There's got to be a morning after

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy to wake up alone; happy enough seeing the view outside my window without anyone next to me. I feel light-hearted today but not in the complacent sort of way I'm usually predisposed to. Looking back at that last entry, it made more sense thinking I said what I did because I'm lonely; not because of anything a particular person said or done. I guess it's something I come back to since I have no other frames of reference as to times when I didn't have to feel that way. The thought of having someone to be with is nice but for the moment, I don't see why I have to be so anxious. I could still experience love by giving it, can't I?

I'll tear out the old pages and draw myself where they used to be. THIS IS MY MORNING AFTER.

I don't want to miss you anymore

October 17, 2009

It would've been our second anniversary had we still been together. I wasn't a perfect partner and I haven't done nearly enough to say I was a good lover to you but for everything we've been through, we did still have our fair share of beautiful moments. You know I've been a wreck ever since we broke up, I'm not going to lie to you. Looking back at the things I've experienced since the first time I met you up until now however, I'd like to think there has never been a point in my life where I felt more alive. I'm still thankful... for everything.

For the part of me that's moved on, I'm happy to have been madly in love with you. For the part of me that stays in pictures I've spent hours staring at, I guess I will always love you.

I'll never stop waiting for that kind of love again.



P.S.

I'll regret this in the morning.

Homesick and happy to be here

This is one of those days where I just can't put a finger on the way I feel. Hell, this whole week, month or year has been off save for summer and the month of June. Regardless of how mixed things are in regards to my feelings and how to manage them, one thing's for certain and it's that all this has to stop someday. Weeks ago, I got started on a closure list, trying to systematically work my way through all the names there as they are representative of issues I need to address. I've only crossed two names out so far, but at least it's a start. I just wish I had the time to write them all off in one go so I could go peacefully.

Sometimes, you just seek closure from so many people for just as many reasons. More often than not, the anxiety that drives you to seek that very same closure only becomes as huge a beast as it does because it piles up over the years. In some instances this could take years to form and even longer to undo. Each person I have issues with is representative of a certain part of myself that I wish to improve or build upon. Hopefully, as this drags on I'd probably make something better of myself.

I think I owe it myself to try and be happy again. It's just frustrating how I almost get there only to get derailed in half the time.

Whoever it is holding those parts of me back, please let me go. I have to leave now. Some place out there needs me. I want things to be good when I get there.

Suddenly, everything happens

"I think I've got it, finally."
"You know, you say that all the time."
-California Snow Story

A lifetime of empty journal entries

Hello there, everyone. Meet Denise Marie T. Madrazo, she's been a classmate of mine for quite a while and recently she has come forward as a contributor and co-conspirator for Love In Athens. As some of you may remember, there was an eponymous song a while back. It wouldn't be wrong to assume that her connection to Love In Athens goes just as far back as well. I guess she's been listening since day one and continues to listen albeit the crude mixing and quality of my instrumental work. I thought hey if she likes it enough to know my song titles by heart, then she ought to have a piece of the pie. (pun intended) We started throwing ideas around since I made that EP for her boyfriend, Gab's birthday and well go figure it wasn't that far off to ask if she could sing.

Love In Athens on "Serenity" would still be Nep-C Ledesma and yours truly but as for future plans, from November onwards LIA will stop being a solo project and will feature a live setup with Denise on vocals and occasional piano with another friend of mine, Jadyee from sludgecore unit, A Liturgy Mired on guitar and electronics. I will be singing with Denise at times but for the most part I'll be playing bass and still handle some of the programming duties.

On a side note, DON'T LET DENISE OPEN YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW! As for now, I'm still trying to fend off the endless swarm of assorted woodland creatures that invaded my room last night. As far as I'm concerned, the only invasive exotic in here is ME.

That would be all for now. I'm really excited to get to work on this right after Caitlyn Bailey's short Luzon tour.


Next stop, a Love In Athens tour? Let's see where this goes.

Miles away and oceans apart

Right now, I'm reading a wonderful little book called Long Distances by Fabienne Marsh. Although the book itself seems to be a rather worthwhile read, the opening quote to the 'Michaelmas' section seals the deal right then and there:

"I often sit down to a letter not because I intend writing anything of importance to you, but just to touch a piece of paper which you will be holding in your hand."- Sinyavsky

Seeing as how a number of previous engagements have been subject to the whole situation of "I'm over here and she's way over there", the whole thing makes a lot of sense to me. Will be trading this book in for another one with a similar concept when I'm done reading. Right, Nads? On a side note, I haven't really received any letters in recent memory. Haven't sent any either. I guess things are different with the internet nowadays but hey who knows, maybe someday someone might bring this whole thing back.

As for now, the most sincere part of me... it just got lost in the mail.

Talk like this

I know I used to experiment with crappy little digicams by making short-films about me walking through certain parts of the city and NOT sleeping. It's been a year since I last made one and I really missed how I just laid shots over noise and post-rock and came up with something that at least made a little sense but meant a lot to me. This is the first one in months, same concept, similar themes but I guess it has a different spirit. First time I ever used a tripod to film stuff so yeah I'm done with the "stick-your-cam-right-next-to-a-coke-can" technique. I might make some more someday, who knows? I could use a better camera though. At least my Sony digicam is a huge leg up from those two Chinese cameras I used to use.

In this video:
Francis Maria- Everything

Music:
Maserati- Ambassador of Cinema
Gregor Samsa- Even Numbers
Yndi Halda- Dash and Blast

I'm tired

I've been running in circles for the greater half of 2009 and this far on it has only recently come to my attention that all my efforts to find serenity have only led me astray. This isn't to say that I regret what I had been through or rather put myself through over the span of the past few months. Nothing could be further from the truth. All I'm saying here is that although I've covered some ground in my effort to identify and act upon whatever it is I feel I need to live happily, it really hasn't gotten me that far from where I was last year. I'm still stuck somehow.

I was getting there, at least what Pie told me about last June. Looking back, I could see how far back I slipped and how close I was to that goal; that sense of serenity. Following what may very well be a concrete sense of epiphanies on account of what I find to be less than favorable experiences with friends, near-romantic engagements and a fair amount of self discovery; it all went back to how well I got along with myself and how I chose to associate with others in reference to that.

There was a time where I was happy this year, alone but not lonely and ready to take on a whole new world of opportunities.I let old habits get the best of me and now I'm paying the price. Sir Batican, Ma'am Orange, Ma'am Jeng and everyone I've worked with and worked under this semester, I'm sorry for not doing my best and letting myself slip. I owe a lot to you people and this is NOT how I'd want to repay you. To my family, I still don't know what it's like being a son but I'll try my best to at least make you happy. All I really want for myself is to be someone you'd all be proud of. To my friends, I'm sorry for taking all of you for granted and for pushing you away when all you ever meant was for the best. I keep on saying this time and again, sadly because I let myself slip just as often. Of everyone I need to make amends with, you're the ones I have to make up to the most.

It's the end of another semester and I'm tired.

Could you hear me calling this time?

ANDY IS FUCKING BACK! Oh and don't mind the picture, I'ma move files later and yeah those hips don't lie.