It certainly feels like the days are piling on me. I barely write. More than that, I barely read. Music doesn't come easily and anything I come up with (music, art, writing) certainly feels mediocre. Cutting through swathes of faceless people everyday, I begin to feel like more of a ghost than I already am. With all the beauty the world has to offer, I would've been wholly content as an observer; unseen, unheard, and never felt.
Even in my happiest of moments, I feel a deep sense of hurt and longing that I've carried for as long as I could remember. If only for myself, the burden was bearable but I couldn't handle the feeling of being a burden to the people I love.
This is about killing myself. I've always wanted to. I believe I could've done so without any regrets. The hardest part however comes with how others' lives are an inalienable part of mine. I'm glad these shoulders continue to hold. I couldn't stand the thought of burying the people I love with the collapsing weight of my tired soul.
My father called me up earlier in the morning when I asked him for lunch money: "Why don't you just ask me for money if you need to? I'm not just anyone. We're not poor. Don't tell me you have nothing to eat and act embarrassed about getting your allowance from me. You're not a burden. If you had an only son, wouldn't you do the same?"
I'm sorry for ever thinking so but for whatever reason, I feel that burden. Years ago, I got in a conversation with him about what gives him the strength to get out of bed in the morning. "You.", he said. Seeing how tired he is from working takes its toll on me. For all his faults and insecurities, he has always been an amazing father. Being the way I am, I feel all the more undeserving.
The most I could do for now is to promise that things won't get out of hand and I won't die in his lifetime. I'm only alive because you're here.
Over a year ago, I fell in love with someone who effortlessly embodies everything I could've ever wanted in a woman. I've written about her constantly and spent countless days and nights in bed with her. Working. Dreaming. Living. Having always lived in a vacuum, it surprised me to see that for once I was thinking of having a future with someone. If anything, she gives me a reason for being.
I'm only alive to make you stay.
My love for these people, sadly, is wholly separate from whatever it is I'm facing. It scares me because these people have given so much of themselves for me. It scares me that I don't believe I'm much to believe in. Life scares me. Living scares me.
Should I choose death, I'll have my reasons. Until then, I'm trying to not take the my reasons for doing otherwise for granted.
Don't miss me when I'm gone. I promise I'll stay as long as can.
