To live, to move imperfect

I have always dreaded the sound of my own voice. From time to time, I tend to listen to myself when I talk and truth be told, all I hear is static; a familiar noise, a mess of words too close for me to ignore. When I started writing for Mount Analogue, I didn't really give it much thought. Initially, I had written songs with a female singer in mind. Seeing as I couldn't find a suitable frontwoman for the band, I took on the vocal duties myself. It would be hard to picture any other setup considering how protective I am about my lyrics but yeah, I brought myself into the line of fire. Our bass player/second singer's range is a tad higher than what I had in mind for these songs so I didn't think I'd have much of a choice.

We were supposed to have the demo out by today and had I any shred of vocal talent, we would have. Finished all the tracking over the course of the week and when it all came down to the vocals, everything I did was subpar. The whole time we've been practicing and playing shows, I never realized how often I went off or how horrible I was with controlling my trails. It might just be me being self-conscious but I know what it's like when you go to shows. You expect something from certain bands, a certain threshold of quality and so far, what we're doing doesn't come close to what I expect from other bands. Bottom line, I need to step up.

I've been told this was a lack of confidence and I'd wholeheartedly agree. I think I'm past that though and when people are rooting for you, you have to realize that they want you to make something of yourself. They'll help you along the way. As for the band, we're probably just finishing this demo and moving on to new songs. Honestly thinking of scrapping these older, more jangle-pop sounding songs altogether in favor of something denser, more desperate sounding. The indie-pop thing is fun but the more time I spend writing, the more I realize that none of this is particularly stellar. Bottom line, I need to step up.

For everything good that's been happening to me, I feel indebted to the people around me, or at least to myself. No one should ever be left short-changed. My bandmates appear to be okay with the idea of new songs if they work in a full band setting, at least I have that out of the way and my girlfriend's pitching in to help me learn how to sing better. At least I have that covered. Okay, fuck that, at least I have her.

Now, while I'm not singing, I should finish all this work-related garbage I've been working on. I should be getting off of my fat ass. There's that.

P.S. Thank you, Alva. It really means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me.

Getting there, people

Will be halfway to 60% through this later. Tracking with Cabal. Will keep posted.

Mount Analogue, more related news

It's about time we got back together. Haven't played or practiced together since that Multo sendoff show at Big Sky Mind. We were rather rusty in the studio but we're slowly getting the hang of things again. With really close friends, you tend to just pick up where you left off only it's more like rehabilitating a reattached limb in this case. Despite a clear lack of practice, we managed to survive that set at Audio Heavy Productions' Hello, Hope benefit show at B-Side last Thursday. Well, save for that one song that descended into free jazz. All in all, with the stuff I've been doing for the Strangeness with booking, passing memos and as of late, mailorder, it's about time I did something with my own band. We might be recording demos fairly soon. By soon, I mean this week. Thinking of a couple of ideas to speed up the writing process, particularly recording placeholders for drums as well. On a related note, we should record that EP full of our earlier songs too so we could move on to new material. I have so many new songs written that stray from the shimmery indie pop I wrote for the band early on. Moodier, more driving stuff. That said, we also need to practice together more often. Fuck, that set at B-Side was atrocious. (Reminder, Erwin HAS to have cymbals) Since Mayee started working at Lomography, our schedules have been just plain fucked. I go to work early and she ends late. I'm really happy for her but it's bad news for the band schedule and it's a real hassle having to go back up north for late night practice when I have work the next day. Hopefully, we could come up with a workaround. We're thinking Friday nights and Saturday afternoons. More on that sometime. Anyway, we're playing a couple of more shows this month. We're doing B-Side again on the 26th with Bee Eyes and our much hairier sister band, the Strangeness. Apart from that, we're also playing Earth Decay Fest in San Pablo, Laguna on the 29th.

Until then, I'd probably want to crawl into a hole until my mind starts working again.

Alva, please come home. Your boy is going crazy over here.

Only because you're a name, a face and a time of day

A week or so ago, a co-worker asked if you were my sister the first time you showed up at my office. I didn't know what to say. Picking up on that particular loss for words, he followed up by saying, "next time, be specific, we don't know what she is to you!" Looking back, I knew exactly what you meant to me but up until that point, it hadn't occurred to me that there were no words to describe the way I felt for you. Whatever it was, I only had myself to offer and I'd only take whatever you chose to give. All I knew was that I loved you and that for once, I'd actually want to fall in. You knew this. To be honest, the hardest part of this whole thing was letting you know in the first place. With that out of the way, I no longer saw the point in being scared. This is definitely something and I won't be ashamed to say it. I'm proud of the way I feel for you. To be shameless and vulnerable, to be proud and unapologetic. I'm that way with you and it all seems to flow so naturally. It's as if you've always been there. Where I'm usually wary of being dragged into other people's lives, I'm at peace with the belief that I wasn't taken here against my will. I wanted to be a part of your life, just as much as you were becoming a part of mine. The people around us will understand in time but in the spaces between your lips and mine, no one else matters. In the vastness of that space, I only have you. From October 10 onwards, we have each other. I love you. For proving me wrong about ever finding someone worthwhile without conditions, I will love you in every lifetime.

Something about the band I used to play in

3:52 in the morning and I came home to this link to a tumblr post that made mention of my former band. This time, it was from someone who knew Caitlyn Bailey personally. Since it has come to this, the band has since decided to issue a formal statement on the usage of her name. To the person who wrote this post, I seek to clarify certain things with you as I fear my (yes, this was my doing) intentions may have been misconstrued. I ask for your patience and understanding. I respectfully write this as a means of reaching out.

My name is Francis Maria and I sang for that screamo band you mentioned in one of your entries. First off, let me just clarify several points raised in the aforementioned post.

"Somehow, this guy came across her page and read all these letters. He said it really “touched him” so he named his band after her. Apparently they became pretty popular. It just really makes me angry that they took her name without asking or anything."

We aren't as popular as you think we are. I have to say that straight-up. As long as I could remember, we had always welcomed correspondence from anyone who might have known Caitlyn. Several one-off myspace users got in touch with us but (at least from my end) failed to establish any formal communication. We were prompt with our replies. I personally remember trying to sincerely befriend the people who sent messages. Were you one of those people? I'm sorry for leaving you with the wrong impression. This is someone you actually knew and loved, I understand why you would feel strongly about this. Anything I may have mentioned to the effect of being "touched" by this matter is done out of empathy and not that sinking feeling you get from overdone human-interest specials. I started this band with the sincerest of intentions and I mean everything I say on behalf of it. Again, I apologize for anything you may have taken offense to.

"Apparently they wrote a song about her, but I haven’t heard it. It’s heartbreaking that she had to leave us so soon, and I don’t like the fact that they are profiting off her story."

We never finished that song. In fact, the band was never about her story. On that note, there's no way we could've exploited it in any way, shape or form. We never once referenced her in our lyrics. Our content had always been personal takes on the wax and wane of life and living, things taken from our own experiences. We couldn't have done any justice to her as a person since we knew nothing of the person she was, even through her friends and family. It would be an insult for us to do so. I was, as a reader, moved by the sincerity of that myspace page. If we were to do the name right, we would do something just as sincere, at least to us. Something from our truths and our lives. If anything, the decision to use her name stems from the truth of Caitlyn's humanity. The message was powerful. More than that, it was empowering.

She lived among fellow human beings and traces of her continue to resonate in the hearts of those around her. She wasn't a public figure, a celebrity or a pop culture reference. She was a human being. The truest of all conditions. We sought to bring out that same urgency by way of writing the most sincere music we could. This did not appeal to people. I guess people down here didn't get what we were trying to do so a lot of the time, we were brushed aside in our own respective scenes. Truth is, we have never earned a single cent from this endeavor. We lost more money than we could ever recover with this band but we did this for the love of the music and more importantly, what it stood for. We, like all others, only seek to root ourselves in our own humanness. Your friend showed us that. Your friend showed me that.

"What I’ve heard is that their last show was recently? I hope so. I hope their fans know where their name came from. I hope they know all the pain and sorrow we are suffering because of her loss. I hope they realize it isn’t a joke."

We always made it a point to let people know where our name came from. We always made it a point to let people know that it wasn't our name to begin with. If you must know, we are a band of suicide survivors. We are a band that has lost loved ones to suicide. We could not speak from the standpoint of your heartache but we know ours. We know the pain of loss. We know the pain and lasting trauma of pulling the gun on oneself. We know the pain of seeing loved ones leave so soon. Not once have we done anything out of posterity. I can't tell you about your pain. I can't tell anyone about what you've been through. I just know my pain is real, just as real as yours, just as real as anyone else's. None of us are alone in that regard. This is not a joke and none of us are laughing.

Again, I apologize for any offense I may have caused for choosing this name. I hope you understand our side as well.

Morning, miss.

I miss you. Please come home.