What you want

Upon asking about your personal relations with people, you made mention of how you held people close but never had any best friends. You slept over that night, much like many other nights before. Half-asleep, you pulled me closer to whisper in my ear, "Truth is, you're the closest thing I have to a best friend. I love you to bits and you mean the world to me. You mean everything to me." I lay there still. Since you came along, I slept with the comfort of your touch. To feel you in a little less than a week, a little less than a day, a little less than an hour and upon waking. That means the world to me. With all the faces that flash by me in transit, someone decided to stay. She sees me every week, every other day. She sleeps in my bed, has space in my closet and walks around the house with her own pair of slippers. This person is a part of me. She's a part of me. The fleeting afterthought of a "she" runs a far second to the thought of you, a farther third to the thought of you and I. This is us, not the mere thought but the truth of.

Even so, I find myself at a loss for words with the sound of my name on your lips. How am I supposed to respond? I can't say your name when you're around. The way I feel for you stretches further than a name ever could. My love for you is formless, boundless and as fluid as the twin rivers of sleep and waking. You are everything, all of the time. Call to me, say my name the way you do and no one ever has to speak. You know I'm always with you. Yours. Just yours. You, just you.

Dissonance, everything dissonant, you're that quiet, timeless place I always yearned for. With you, I am at peace.

The year's end calls for a bout of sleep-deprived introspection. This would be the best time if ever to sum things up. This year has been marked by some jagged transitions, moving to the capital, finding work, coming to grips with the demands of age and the constellations of my personal life. It hasn't been the easiest but somehow, I got by. I've seen some personal relationships deteriorate while others convalesce. This is a marked by yearning, inked by change and written by moving forward.

I've decided to resume work on my undergraduate thesis. At the same time, I've decided to pursue my graduate studies this year. Since moving, I've grown closer to my father and by association, his side of the family. For once, it felt like I actually belonged to something. Maybe it's the need to make up for lost time? I can't say. It's strange, but a welcome turn of events. More than most things however, I met someone. I got lucky and fell in love. Everything else remains a hazy afterthought.

Her name is Alva, the strangest luck for this space in time. A life partner, a best friend and the only lover to share this lonesome bed. Yearning for someone who gets it for once, I now have someone to turn to. A passionate lover, host to a brilliant mind, a love to spend a lifetime.

You're one of the strongest people I know and I'm hard-pressed to run out of reasons to admire you. You inspire me, hold me captive. I yearn for you when you're away from me and I adore you when you're close. Each and every inch of you, I do. A thousand times over, a thousand times yes.

...and I quote: "I love you because you get it. I love you because I don't have to explain. I love you because you're easy to love. I love you because a part of me melts whenever I glance at you sleeping. I love you more than anything. I love you."

I love you. As the year closes on us with tired yet hopeful eyes, I look to every tomorrow to see you. We grow a year older with each other, let's start adding years til we grow old together.

We only have the rest of our lives. See you soon.

Kaleidoscope

This week hasn't been too kind. Well, okay, it's been uneventful but I've been really tense. Haven't been uneasy for a while so I guess this would be healthy enough to balance things out.

First off, I feel really bad about the band. I seriously don't think they deserve any of this from me so yeah. I'm sorry guys. It's just me trying to compensate for how insecure I am as a musician. We really need to see each other from time to time, even if it's not band-related. We've been rather distant.

Work's been okay; no backlogs, no nothing. No money either. Well yeah, I do get paid at work but my savings have been shot to shit since I started managing the farm. It's a little sacrifice I have to make to be able to pull my own weight at home and I really hope it gets somewhere. I can't wait for my first harvest. Tending to the farm Saturday morning before the show.

Yeah, things are alright, just not in the highest of spirits. Regardless of how I tend to find myself in this state of mind from time to time, I do still find things to smile about, even with my incredibly flat affect. Today was great though. I have to admit. One of the best mornings I've seen so far.

Woke up at a respectable time and took a cab to work. Yes, it cost me. Yes, I'm broke but whatever. Fuck, I don't feel like panicking over being late another 15 minutes. Upon arrival, one of my officemates set a McDonalds' breakfast meal on my table. "We all had our share, here's yours." We have food in the office all the time so I wasn't too surprised. My boss walked in and said, "lucky guy, that thing's special delivery." I was all, "wait, I thought everyone had one for breakfast?" Apparently no. Just me. Shit, I had no clue.

Okay, it was really suspicious. I was starting to wonder if it had anthrax in it or something or for the most part, who sent it. A couple of officemates suspected some gay dude who keeps on bugging me to add him on Facebook. Dug into the bag and found pancakes, a Sausage pattie, extra butter and hash browns; stuff I particularly liked. Especially with the sausage/hash

browns part.

It was getting creepy. Alva texts and I casually told her we had McDonalds' in the office. "Hey, wanna share?" or something to that effect. Right at that moment, I found a little note under the bag of hash browns.

I died in my seat. My officemates aptly applauded. I was left speechless. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't literally burst out of my seat. This has never happened before. Turns out she sent me breakfast before she left for work, a wee bit before I got to the office. She knew how I felt about the rest of the week and thought it would make me feel better if I ate something.

Lover knows me well. Stay fat please. You're the sweetest and I don't know what to say. Love you. See you soon. You'll get what's coming to you. Your boy misses you. Badly.

Anyway, I ended up discussing terms with Skarlet Jazz Kitchen (and Skarlet herself!) regarding the show on Saturday. Hopefully, I survive the weekend. Thank you, Alva. You have no idea.

P.S.

Thank you so much for volunteering for the show. I'm really short-staffed and you're a lifesaver. I owe you. So much.

Separate lives

Sometimes, I forget that regardless of how close you are to the people around you, you're still at the opposite ends of separate lives. I've been feeling a tad distant with regards to my band lately. It's not that I'm not aware that you all have work and other priorities but I'm just scared to spend too much of myself like I did with that band I used to be in. We're great friends but sometimes, I'm not sure if we're working out as a band. We can't even fix a decent schedule for things.

Maybe it's just been a while since we did things together but I just can't help but feel alone in the band without you guys. Is it something I did? Something I might have said? Sorry. I just don't get what's going on. Might just be panicking because the show is drawing closer.

Dear Mount Analogue, I miss us.

Some more recent Mount Analogue lyrics

Memphis and Blake

Hello. Are you going anywhere? Well, the weeks dive into corners and the weight's too much to bear. Maybe it's just that I've been nervous about tonight or maybe I just want you to get back home alright. "Sleep well, sleep forever. Talk to the sheets and wake me up in a week." Well, you're off and I'm still here. Through bus rides and bridges passed, I've fallen for you and I've fallen fast. Maybe it's just the strangest luck for this space in time or maybe I just don't have it in my heart to lie. "Sleep well, sleep forever. Talk to the sheets and wake me up in a week." From this far away, love's an easy word now.

This one's rather obvious. It used to be called "Wetpacks" since it sounded like literal ass (see: Shortbus) when I first started working on it. It grew on me though. Had to change the title since it would end up sounding like a song about getting ass (on second thought...) but yeah, these are the lyrics. It's about that tense span of time before my girlfriend and I made things official. I had just come forward about the way I honestly felt and the whole thing just hit like this unstoppable swirl of emotions. Uneasy for the most part. She went off for vacation and while she was away, she wrote me something and I guess that was it when she got back. Love's an easy word now.

Stargazer Alejandro

"So to speak, we slept in our lovers' waiting arms." When I call through the cold, the signal drifts; we both know. To sleep, to dream, to wake and drift away; buildings topple over, eyes to heavens that never stay. "Goodbye is when I leave for stars you see in your sleep." Decades lift to become dead stars for a midnight sun; the still air rising up as far as she's willing to stop. She bears the weight of kisses meant to leave you at "goodnight." Asleep on concrete floors, you've sunken below her line of sight. Goodbye is when you leave for stars you see in your sleep.

This was written right after that weird double-date thing we went to after Alva met my folks (that one time with my mother and gay uncle doesn't count). We were out with the person who introduced us plus his girlfriend. So yeah. We were drinking on this empty lot in the middle of The Fort and Migi ended up falling asleep sometime after this long conversation about "Tron Towers" and "stargazing." I jokingly said I'd make a song about this and play it live with my eyes toward the ceiling. Thinking about it (and leaving Migi alone in the middle of an empty lot for a couple of minutes while calling the phone his girl left on his face), Alva was leaving for Leyte the next day and the night did turn out rather well. It's worth a song. Totally worth it.

Rebuild, rebuild, rebuild.

I haven't been this tired in a long time. This isn't that same feeling I get when I'm close to giving in but I am by no means enthralled by the whole mess either. Think about it this way; you walk into your room at three or four in the morning and wake up two to three hours later, take a shower and now you're headed straight for the office. Driving. In and out of focus. You're playing another show that night. You forget that playing shows are the reason you're tired. You know no better.

Last week was like that. Mount Analogue and the Strangeness had shows left and right and I had to be at each one. Truth be told, I had already been planning a momentary exit from the whole band thing but before I could get to that, I had to find out how I could possibly survive the week. I wasn't halfway through then and I already felt like sleeping for a thousand years. My eyes were tired, perpetually glazed over and teetering over the edge of their sockets. Writing and playing music always did the trick for me in the past, it was an outlet. Given that the nature of the band I was in considerably differed from that of Mount Analogue, the balance of tension and release made sense. In form, yes. From a heart-level perspective however, I couldn't be more wrong. I don't think I could ever write music without a sense of ever-welling tension coiling in the back of my chest. Regardless of how well I was doing in life, music always tapped into a dark and lonely place for me. Back then, I saw it as a lack of stage presence, being vulnerable and all. I just grew into the idea that I wasn't playing to anyone but myself. Music healed but among other things, it also destroyed. I learned how to make music with the very intention of destroying myself. Now that I play in (what is more or less) an indie pop band, I feel that destructive sense of catharsis stifled. It's been getting in the way of the band's dynamics, the songwriting process, our direction and among other things, it has served as an added burden on my shoulders.

I'm tired of the weight of my own emotions crashing down on me. This only happens when the music plays. Otherwise, I'm fine. I just find it odd how music makes me feel like someone else, only it couldn't be anyone other than myself. Maybe it's with how all music is temporal, I don't know; a place in time that carries itself over in the cadence of each note that follows suit, that sinful dance between capture and release. The weight is unbearable.

In line with getting rest and putting these things into perspective, I'm taking a break from managing the Strangeness and from playing shows with Mount Analogue. In hopes of saving the band, I'm trying to come up with a direction we could all agree on instead of being a figurehead songwriter for the band. I wish everyone could get their Saturdays ironed out. We need to write together as a band for once. I can't keep living in the shadow of my past endeavors. These aren't just my hands, these are ours.

Guys, I want this to be us. Not just me. I don't expect you to understand right away but I know you find something in music that moves you the same way this does me.

Saturdays, please?

To live, to move imperfect

I have always dreaded the sound of my own voice. From time to time, I tend to listen to myself when I talk and truth be told, all I hear is static; a familiar noise, a mess of words too close for me to ignore. When I started writing for Mount Analogue, I didn't really give it much thought. Initially, I had written songs with a female singer in mind. Seeing as I couldn't find a suitable frontwoman for the band, I took on the vocal duties myself. It would be hard to picture any other setup considering how protective I am about my lyrics but yeah, I brought myself into the line of fire. Our bass player/second singer's range is a tad higher than what I had in mind for these songs so I didn't think I'd have much of a choice.

We were supposed to have the demo out by today and had I any shred of vocal talent, we would have. Finished all the tracking over the course of the week and when it all came down to the vocals, everything I did was subpar. The whole time we've been practicing and playing shows, I never realized how often I went off or how horrible I was with controlling my trails. It might just be me being self-conscious but I know what it's like when you go to shows. You expect something from certain bands, a certain threshold of quality and so far, what we're doing doesn't come close to what I expect from other bands. Bottom line, I need to step up.

I've been told this was a lack of confidence and I'd wholeheartedly agree. I think I'm past that though and when people are rooting for you, you have to realize that they want you to make something of yourself. They'll help you along the way. As for the band, we're probably just finishing this demo and moving on to new songs. Honestly thinking of scrapping these older, more jangle-pop sounding songs altogether in favor of something denser, more desperate sounding. The indie-pop thing is fun but the more time I spend writing, the more I realize that none of this is particularly stellar. Bottom line, I need to step up.

For everything good that's been happening to me, I feel indebted to the people around me, or at least to myself. No one should ever be left short-changed. My bandmates appear to be okay with the idea of new songs if they work in a full band setting, at least I have that out of the way and my girlfriend's pitching in to help me learn how to sing better. At least I have that covered. Okay, fuck that, at least I have her.

Now, while I'm not singing, I should finish all this work-related garbage I've been working on. I should be getting off of my fat ass. There's that.

P.S. Thank you, Alva. It really means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me.

Getting there, people

Will be halfway to 60% through this later. Tracking with Cabal. Will keep posted.