Separate lives

Sometimes, I forget that regardless of how close you are to the people around you, you're still at the opposite ends of separate lives. I've been feeling a tad distant with regards to my band lately. It's not that I'm not aware that you all have work and other priorities but I'm just scared to spend too much of myself like I did with that band I used to be in. We're great friends but sometimes, I'm not sure if we're working out as a band. We can't even fix a decent schedule for things.

Maybe it's just been a while since we did things together but I just can't help but feel alone in the band without you guys. Is it something I did? Something I might have said? Sorry. I just don't get what's going on. Might just be panicking because the show is drawing closer.

Dear Mount Analogue, I miss us.

Some more recent Mount Analogue lyrics

Memphis and Blake

Hello. Are you going anywhere? Well, the weeks dive into corners and the weight's too much to bear. Maybe it's just that I've been nervous about tonight or maybe I just want you to get back home alright. "Sleep well, sleep forever. Talk to the sheets and wake me up in a week." Well, you're off and I'm still here. Through bus rides and bridges passed, I've fallen for you and I've fallen fast. Maybe it's just the strangest luck for this space in time or maybe I just don't have it in my heart to lie. "Sleep well, sleep forever. Talk to the sheets and wake me up in a week." From this far away, love's an easy word now.

This one's rather obvious. It used to be called "Wetpacks" since it sounded like literal ass (see: Shortbus) when I first started working on it. It grew on me though. Had to change the title since it would end up sounding like a song about getting ass (on second thought...) but yeah, these are the lyrics. It's about that tense span of time before my girlfriend and I made things official. I had just come forward about the way I honestly felt and the whole thing just hit like this unstoppable swirl of emotions. Uneasy for the most part. She went off for vacation and while she was away, she wrote me something and I guess that was it when she got back. Love's an easy word now.

Stargazer Alejandro

"So to speak, we slept in our lovers' waiting arms." When I call through the cold, the signal drifts; we both know. To sleep, to dream, to wake and drift away; buildings topple over, eyes to heavens that never stay. "Goodbye is when I leave for stars you see in your sleep." Decades lift to become dead stars for a midnight sun; the still air rising up as far as she's willing to stop. She bears the weight of kisses meant to leave you at "goodnight." Asleep on concrete floors, you've sunken below her line of sight. Goodbye is when you leave for stars you see in your sleep.

This was written right after that weird double-date thing we went to after Alva met my folks (that one time with my mother and gay uncle doesn't count). We were out with the person who introduced us plus his girlfriend. So yeah. We were drinking on this empty lot in the middle of The Fort and Migi ended up falling asleep sometime after this long conversation about "Tron Towers" and "stargazing." I jokingly said I'd make a song about this and play it live with my eyes toward the ceiling. Thinking about it (and leaving Migi alone in the middle of an empty lot for a couple of minutes while calling the phone his girl left on his face), Alva was leaving for Leyte the next day and the night did turn out rather well. It's worth a song. Totally worth it.

Rebuild, rebuild, rebuild.

I haven't been this tired in a long time. This isn't that same feeling I get when I'm close to giving in but I am by no means enthralled by the whole mess either. Think about it this way; you walk into your room at three or four in the morning and wake up two to three hours later, take a shower and now you're headed straight for the office. Driving. In and out of focus. You're playing another show that night. You forget that playing shows are the reason you're tired. You know no better.

Last week was like that. Mount Analogue and the Strangeness had shows left and right and I had to be at each one. Truth be told, I had already been planning a momentary exit from the whole band thing but before I could get to that, I had to find out how I could possibly survive the week. I wasn't halfway through then and I already felt like sleeping for a thousand years. My eyes were tired, perpetually glazed over and teetering over the edge of their sockets. Writing and playing music always did the trick for me in the past, it was an outlet. Given that the nature of the band I was in considerably differed from that of Mount Analogue, the balance of tension and release made sense. In form, yes. From a heart-level perspective however, I couldn't be more wrong. I don't think I could ever write music without a sense of ever-welling tension coiling in the back of my chest. Regardless of how well I was doing in life, music always tapped into a dark and lonely place for me. Back then, I saw it as a lack of stage presence, being vulnerable and all. I just grew into the idea that I wasn't playing to anyone but myself. Music healed but among other things, it also destroyed. I learned how to make music with the very intention of destroying myself. Now that I play in (what is more or less) an indie pop band, I feel that destructive sense of catharsis stifled. It's been getting in the way of the band's dynamics, the songwriting process, our direction and among other things, it has served as an added burden on my shoulders.

I'm tired of the weight of my own emotions crashing down on me. This only happens when the music plays. Otherwise, I'm fine. I just find it odd how music makes me feel like someone else, only it couldn't be anyone other than myself. Maybe it's with how all music is temporal, I don't know; a place in time that carries itself over in the cadence of each note that follows suit, that sinful dance between capture and release. The weight is unbearable.

In line with getting rest and putting these things into perspective, I'm taking a break from managing the Strangeness and from playing shows with Mount Analogue. In hopes of saving the band, I'm trying to come up with a direction we could all agree on instead of being a figurehead songwriter for the band. I wish everyone could get their Saturdays ironed out. We need to write together as a band for once. I can't keep living in the shadow of my past endeavors. These aren't just my hands, these are ours.

Guys, I want this to be us. Not just me. I don't expect you to understand right away but I know you find something in music that moves you the same way this does me.

Saturdays, please?

To live, to move imperfect

I have always dreaded the sound of my own voice. From time to time, I tend to listen to myself when I talk and truth be told, all I hear is static; a familiar noise, a mess of words too close for me to ignore. When I started writing for Mount Analogue, I didn't really give it much thought. Initially, I had written songs with a female singer in mind. Seeing as I couldn't find a suitable frontwoman for the band, I took on the vocal duties myself. It would be hard to picture any other setup considering how protective I am about my lyrics but yeah, I brought myself into the line of fire. Our bass player/second singer's range is a tad higher than what I had in mind for these songs so I didn't think I'd have much of a choice.

We were supposed to have the demo out by today and had I any shred of vocal talent, we would have. Finished all the tracking over the course of the week and when it all came down to the vocals, everything I did was subpar. The whole time we've been practicing and playing shows, I never realized how often I went off or how horrible I was with controlling my trails. It might just be me being self-conscious but I know what it's like when you go to shows. You expect something from certain bands, a certain threshold of quality and so far, what we're doing doesn't come close to what I expect from other bands. Bottom line, I need to step up.

I've been told this was a lack of confidence and I'd wholeheartedly agree. I think I'm past that though and when people are rooting for you, you have to realize that they want you to make something of yourself. They'll help you along the way. As for the band, we're probably just finishing this demo and moving on to new songs. Honestly thinking of scrapping these older, more jangle-pop sounding songs altogether in favor of something denser, more desperate sounding. The indie-pop thing is fun but the more time I spend writing, the more I realize that none of this is particularly stellar. Bottom line, I need to step up.

For everything good that's been happening to me, I feel indebted to the people around me, or at least to myself. No one should ever be left short-changed. My bandmates appear to be okay with the idea of new songs if they work in a full band setting, at least I have that out of the way and my girlfriend's pitching in to help me learn how to sing better. At least I have that covered. Okay, fuck that, at least I have her.

Now, while I'm not singing, I should finish all this work-related garbage I've been working on. I should be getting off of my fat ass. There's that.

P.S. Thank you, Alva. It really means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me.

Getting there, people

Will be halfway to 60% through this later. Tracking with Cabal. Will keep posted.

Mount Analogue, more related news

It's about time we got back together. Haven't played or practiced together since that Multo sendoff show at Big Sky Mind. We were rather rusty in the studio but we're slowly getting the hang of things again. With really close friends, you tend to just pick up where you left off only it's more like rehabilitating a reattached limb in this case. Despite a clear lack of practice, we managed to survive that set at Audio Heavy Productions' Hello, Hope benefit show at B-Side last Thursday. Well, save for that one song that descended into free jazz. All in all, with the stuff I've been doing for the Strangeness with booking, passing memos and as of late, mailorder, it's about time I did something with my own band. We might be recording demos fairly soon. By soon, I mean this week. Thinking of a couple of ideas to speed up the writing process, particularly recording placeholders for drums as well. On a related note, we should record that EP full of our earlier songs too so we could move on to new material. I have so many new songs written that stray from the shimmery indie pop I wrote for the band early on. Moodier, more driving stuff. That said, we also need to practice together more often. Fuck, that set at B-Side was atrocious. (Reminder, Erwin HAS to have cymbals) Since Mayee started working at Lomography, our schedules have been just plain fucked. I go to work early and she ends late. I'm really happy for her but it's bad news for the band schedule and it's a real hassle having to go back up north for late night practice when I have work the next day. Hopefully, we could come up with a workaround. We're thinking Friday nights and Saturday afternoons. More on that sometime. Anyway, we're playing a couple of more shows this month. We're doing B-Side again on the 26th with Bee Eyes and our much hairier sister band, the Strangeness. Apart from that, we're also playing Earth Decay Fest in San Pablo, Laguna on the 29th.

Until then, I'd probably want to crawl into a hole until my mind starts working again.

Alva, please come home. Your boy is going crazy over here.

Only because you're a name, a face and a time of day

A week or so ago, a co-worker asked if you were my sister the first time you showed up at my office. I didn't know what to say. Picking up on that particular loss for words, he followed up by saying, "next time, be specific, we don't know what she is to you!" Looking back, I knew exactly what you meant to me but up until that point, it hadn't occurred to me that there were no words to describe the way I felt for you. Whatever it was, I only had myself to offer and I'd only take whatever you chose to give. All I knew was that I loved you and that for once, I'd actually want to fall in. You knew this. To be honest, the hardest part of this whole thing was letting you know in the first place. With that out of the way, I no longer saw the point in being scared. This is definitely something and I won't be ashamed to say it. I'm proud of the way I feel for you. To be shameless and vulnerable, to be proud and unapologetic. I'm that way with you and it all seems to flow so naturally. It's as if you've always been there. Where I'm usually wary of being dragged into other people's lives, I'm at peace with the belief that I wasn't taken here against my will. I wanted to be a part of your life, just as much as you were becoming a part of mine. The people around us will understand in time but in the spaces between your lips and mine, no one else matters. In the vastness of that space, I only have you. From October 10 onwards, we have each other. I love you. For proving me wrong about ever finding someone worthwhile without conditions, I will love you in every lifetime.