The Somnambulist Manifesto or what I've been writing since my laptop went down the shitter

The following is an excerpt from this thing I've been working on while under the constraints of my macbook. Bear with me.

PART I: RUNNING COLORS, LOSING SLEEP

“I'm not paying attention to any of the words you're saying; not a single sentence, line or syllable. Caught in the stillness of the moment, all I have ahead of me is the shade of the color you breathe; floating off into the sunset and drowning itself in the very heart of these amber city streets. (It's the taste of you, love- I miss it.) Hours have since gotten longer and the sun, she shines no brighter for me; merely ringing as sweet as you once were on the tip of my tongue. All I can hear is the taste of the color you breathe; the romance of falling in love amidst the noise of our compounded dissonance, the tender feeling of your warmth on my frayed senses. Don't get me wrong, love. Please don't get me wrong. It's not the drugs I've been taking. I'm as sober as I could possibly be. All I'm high on is the scarcity of time and presence; choking from the lack thereof. Solely with the notion of space in abundance, only the tiniest part of your being remains in me; in this I let her speak, she speaks to me in depth. Whispered like a choir of muted angels, I still couldn't hear a thing you're saying. All I hear is the color you breathe; the tiniest part of you. It's the part of you I miss.”

- Dearest September

“...and pieces of my heart fall in the wake of every

step I take; our vessels set sail in dreaming.”

We've said it time and again, we'll live and love in dead trajectory; bending over backwards in the vastness of our individual phenomenologies, drifting endlessly in the spaces we leave behind. In all our hearts' restlessness, I have never been at ease as I have been, nurturing the memory of how your hands opened up to meet mine; all those months ago, miles away from where we stand now. My heart has never skipped a beat. It was in small hands that I sought serenity that was mine to uncover and yours to endure; shifting with the swelling tide, only to be buried beneath the full weight of the waves that were to envelop us. Adrift in the wash of the oceans of distance and tears, these subtle heartbeats sound the same; roaring with the burden of the day's looming overcast. Drowned out and tear-soaked, however; my heartbeats sound the same. They yearn for you in loss and they shun you in their pain.

With the healthiest part of a wounded heart, the wayfarer in me sets sail; past the threshold of sleep and dreaming to every waking part of consciousness. Today, your colors run.

Andy, we will never be the same again

I haven't blogged consistently since last May and it seriously breaks my heart to see how unattended this page looks. I was about to make three full blog posts over the course of the past few days; ideas were there, photos selected and all I had to do was write them down. On account of me being an idiot, I killed my laptop by running the crack file for Windows 7 from a flash disk. BIG MISTAKE. Good thing I moved most of my files to my new external hard drive, I seriously cried when I went to bed that night in fear of losing everything.

Yeah, I'm a total geek that way. I'll be updating all of this soon. Had a retreat, became increasingly critical of the notion of hegemony and I feel I have a lot to say.

P.S.

Andy, I missed you. :(

Love In Athens- 'Serenity' EP

Currently writing this record. On this release, Love In Athens would be me and Nep-C Ledesma of Planeta and Bananaccino; the only other kid here who'd talk to me about Slowdive. I'm about a third of the way into this record sans vocals. I've been trying to make things a lot more shoegaze and a lot less sad sounding.

These pictures were taken while I was on retreat at Manresa. Full view, please. :)

You're a dreamer and you lack focus. You're just like me.

I have never spoken to my father like this before and for whatever it's worth, I think I understand things now. Thanks, dad. I wish this came sooner. Neither of us are perfect, neither of us will never be but I'm at peace knowing that we have these things in common. I'm sorry for everything I've ever said or done to slight myself. I deserve so much more and I know I was made for so much more.

A few things I wrote in one of my old notebooks

Untitled

The walls will breathe with no sense of negative connotation; bursting at the seams with the laughter of a thousand starving children, rooting themselves in the hopes we nurtured from the seeds of loss. I saw god's eyes flash clearly in those headlights we hung beneath the branches of every dead tree in the city; just as lost as mine were. My eyes; those eyes. They shine in every breath I take and in every cigarette you smoke. They shone in every word I said and in every line you spoke.

My pretenses are always tenser in the present tense and none of the words I said could ever match your scent. My heart remains though my body is absent, I have no regrets; no voice of dissent.

Yellow

The horizon bled yellow atop the acid shoreline; time then was 10:30pm. I left my heart on the runway for the city to share but to my surprise, no one found anything else there. "She probably hid beneath the turbine blades again" said customs. "This kind of thing happens all the time." "We'll catch her again!" they said, but they never will and they'll never win. I didn't know who they were and what I wanted but I just loved the way their eyes rang yellow. Yellow is to blame for this, yellow is to blame. Yellow is the pain in bliss, yellow was her name.

Caitlyn Bailey interview by Ivan Petrov of No Malice Zine (Ru)

1. Whose idea was it to gather a group and as it came?

Hi there, I'm Francis and I sing for the band. The guitar player, Raph and I started an earlier incarnation of Caitlyn Bailey on the third of February 2007 following the collapse of our old screamo band. Eventually, we drafted our old band's drummer and that's pretty much where we got started for real.

2. Your songs are filled with pain and sadness, why, where this pain and sadness?

I wouldn't exactly say our songs are all painful and sad but at least for me lyrically, the songs are an extension of myself and my own personal sentiments. They're pretty varied and cover a fairly wide scope of topics. Looking into it, my bandmates and I have so much to say about so many things be it boredom, existentialism, herd mentality, nationalism and anti-nationalism, or something as varied and specific as our personal insights from day to day experiences. It isn't so much as being filled with pain and sadness as us just being true to ourselves and how we feel.

3. How often do you play gigs in their homeland, whether you ride in other countries, your most unusual concert?

We usually play a few shows every month, early on we were involved with the City Of Thorns crew. Things got a bit stagnant there however so we've decided to branch out and start organizing our own shows again. We used to play a lot of shows with the longer standing veterans of the punk/hardcore scene but seeing the state of the music scene in Davao City in general it seems that we have to cater to kids who are just getting into the louder forms of music. Getting our message to them before all the rotten elements of the general scene eat them just might save this city. As for other places, we toured Manila last year and we're going on another northern Philippine tour. We also have plans of hitting Malaysia in 2010. Unusual concerts? Well, two shows ago we played this one set where our guitar player's strap broke while he was moving around and the unusually heavy guitar he was using hit one of our friends RIGHT IN THE FACE. Guy was hit pretty bad but still managed to headbang throughout the final half of the song. That's a pretty thick face if you ask me.

4. Tell me about your country, how you live, tell me about your scene, what else is the group? (not necessarily screamo)

Well, we live in a third world country and by a stroke of good luck most of us in the band grew up with the conveniences of a middle-class household. We're not exactly the most political band on the planet, but we do advocate and endorse various forms of humanist and existentialist thought. Revolutions start with a revolution of the self, do they not? We're the kind of band whose politics are centered around the individual. I think that seeps into the way we think and live as well. The general music scene in this country is amazing when it's good and amazingly horrible when it isn't. It's really polarized. I think social and class dynamics factor into this as well, but that's a different matter entirely. The hardcore/punk scene at large doesn't have a particularly sizeable screamo/post-hardcore oriented demographic but there are some fans and some of them started their own bands. The screamo scene is mostly in Manila and is still in its birth pangs but the future looks bright with bands like Birds In Formation, Call Them Quits, Shirley Steinberg and Oh Man! Oh God! organizing their own shows. We continue to be the only constituents of the style in Davao and Cebu city has Van Gogh's Ear among the artier bands in their scene.

5. What do you do besides music?

Most of us are in college, the others have jobs. Our other singer, Mia is in Japan working as an english teacher. Koy, our bass player pretty much does his own thing. Jireh, our drummer is finishing his degree in information technology and Raph is a communication arts major. I'm in college myself, taking up psychology. We're a band of nerds and dreamers when it all boils down to it.

6. Is there a group of people adhering to the principles of sXe, think about the sXe and Hard-line?

The Philippine hardcore/punk scene has had its fair share of straight-edge constituents but there really aren't enough of them to constitute a straight-edge scene. I myself was straight-edge for more or less five years. Straight-edge is good in theory but as with veganism it isn't for everyone. That's all I have to say about it, I guess.

7. What are the most pressing problems for your country than you are dissatisfied, what you most care about?

Our country is one of the worst in terms of corruption and the politics are some of the dirtiest I've seen. It isn't so much the system's fault as it is the fault of the Filipino people for allowing this to happen with our damaged national psyche and ambiguous national identity as its crutches. The educational system is in shambles as with most public services, yet again because of the people's mindsets. It's the people, really. Take into account that we're overpopulated and you have this wreck of national nerves to sort out from the ground up. I care about people and people making the most out of their faculties to lift this country out of whatever rut it's gotten itself into, as much as I can I'd like to do my part by touching one mind at a time. Praxis is just so hard to illicit from such a resistant populace.

8. Which groups have influence on you?

Some bands that come to mind: Orchid, Pg.99, Kaospilot, Sed Non Satiata, Joshua Fit For Battle, Neil Perry, City Of Caterpillar, Circle Takes The Square, Portraits Of Past, Indian Summer, Converge, Botch, Mastodon, Buried Inside, Isis, Starkweather, Loma Prieta, Envy, Thursday, For The Fallen Dreams, Between The Buried And Me, Spitfire, Scarlet, Genghis Tron, Meshuggah, Tragedy, Remains Of The Day, Black Flag, Discharge, Tool, Helmet, The Melvins, My Disco, Explosions In The Sky, Mono, Yndi Halda and so many other great bands. This could drag on forever, really.

9. Should musical style screamo bear a protest, or to be politicized?

That's the beauty of screamo, really. Given that the subject matter tends to be personal, the lyricist has all the freedom to write about things that he or she may feel strongly about. Even beyond the realm of music, the punk ethic was always about the empowerment of the individual to think for oneself. Why not if you're towards the persuasion?

10. Have you heard anything from Russia's music (not necessarily screamo)?

We have a lot to thank Russia for. First and foremost, our very first EP was released on a small Russian label called Hidden Rainbows Records by our friend, Anton. We were the very first release on that label. You could reach him via http://hiddenrainbows.ru, by the way. I've heard a lot of Russian bands because of that. Some I remember off of the top of my head are Marschak, The Bride Of Changes, He Called Himself Jesus, Advertising On The Channel Of Dreams, Aurora, Optimus Prime, Lopatka, Prea Hrada, Fortunae Verbera and others.

11. Was the desire to release his record on vinyl? Do you think that mp3 is killing the value of music?

We'd release this record on vinyl if we could but I don't think anyone presses vinyl in the Philippines anymore and so far we haven't gotten any offers from any labels who'd want to put our stuff out. We might press a few CDs ourselves though. I don't think mp3 is killing the value of music, if anything it puts music in the hands of the people who actually want it. It makes it less of a commodity and gets it across quicker and easier. I'll leave the rest to people who'd want to seek this stuff out. If they like what we have to give, they could always order the actual CD. I'd like to think you're paying for the packaging and the physical element of the album experience rather than the music.

12. Your plans for the future?

We plan to take things one day at a time, writing more songs, releasing records, playing shows and touring. As far as this band's concerned, that's what we're set to do as a band in the first place.

13. Wish something your listeners Russia

Be it with this band or myself, I hope to see all of you someday. I'd love to learn your language and see the sights your cities have to offer. I'd love to meet all of you and enjoy your company when the time comes. Thank you so much for listening to our music if you have and even more so if you bought one of our CDs off of Anton. Stay beautiful. :)

I'm an ambassador of cinema

The human lifespan is one of endless narrative exposition taken with all of its underlying revisions and subplots. That stated, our lives inevitably follow the narrative of life falling into an endless torrential downpour of other narratives that we paint with and paint over the context of our own phenomenology. Since my unexpected hiatus from I Don't Want To Miss You Anymore, things have happened; days of serenity have come to pass and as they have in less favorable times, bled painfully into months. I've done some thinking since then and for sure I won't leave any of you empty handed. Now, what narratives have I come across and to what extent have I experienced each of them in oceans, seas and in drops?

In anything and everything, humans will more often than not try to capture a piece of themselves and their context by way of recorded literature and various forms of spatial, auditory and visual art. Film is one of those mediums and as film aims to present various facets of the human condition, it follows that the same narratives we live fabricate, live through and live in permeate the said artform. In essence, film is the human narrative set to moving pictures and recorded sound. As I clearly haven't kept tabs on my personal life as a result of my horribly protracted attempts at existential escapism, I guess it would be better to start off with some downtime blogging insight set to the language of motion pictures.

I will not use pretentious art bastard films, rather I shall speak in terms of films I genuinely feel I could relate to. For lack of better words, I shall speak in Meg Ryan.

The past few weeks have been a cable car short of a trainwreck and I am absolutely appalled with how I let everything slide primarily because I was/am/tend to be paranoid and profoundly unmotivated from time to time. I have recently given up microblogging as a countermeasure and so far it's helping me reorganize myself. Since the past week or so, I have returned to one of my old hobbies which would be film torrents. I could always head over to Cinemageddon and look for some campy B-movies and/or exploitation flicks but seeing as how I've gotten back to being lonely bastard Francis, I decided I was in the mood for something to tug on my heartstrings. Instead of downloading another copy of The Hour-Glass Sanatorium or stuff by Cocteau, Godard or Bunuel I got Lost In Translation, Sleepless In Seattle and City Of Angels. Here's what I've been able to pull from each of them.


Lost In Translation is something I seriously wish I saw when it first came out on the basis of story alone. If you pair that up with the fact that the soundtrack had Kevin Shields, My Bloody Valentine, Squarepusher and The Jesus And Mary Chain, you could picture out how excited I was to finally see it. Here, the viewer witnesses how two phenomenological fields come together in the culturally alien landscape of modern Tokyo. The film isn't so much a comedy/romance piece as it is a thesis on cultural and generational stratification and inter/intrapersonal dialogue amidst the reconstruction and nurturing of egos and ego boundaries over a backdrop of ennui that defines both characters' persona on screen and in theory. Nothing could be more appropriate, to be perfectly honest. A film about establishing a deep and seemingly meaningful human connection amidst the constraints of language and culture in an unfamiliar city is just what I needed to see and solipsistic as I am or tend to be, it keeps me hopeful in doing the same for myself someday. We're all subject to our own alienation and I guess this film hit the spot with mine. Everyone wants to be found, or so the tagline says. I sure hope you find me.


Now, I'll try my best to not make the verbal diarrhea any worse than it already is. I've been gone a long time so yeah, moving on... Sleepless In Seattle on the other hand doesn't end on a sad or hanging note as Lost In Translation did. To keep things simple, let's cut the crap and go straight for the formula. Sam Baldwin's wife dies of cancer, leaving him to raise his young son. The two move to Seattle and Sam's son, Jonah convinces him to go on air with him on a phone-in advice show. Sam is subsequently flooded with mail and a letter from a journalist in Baltimore that catches his son's attention. His son sets her up for a meeting on the Empire State Building with his father on Valentine's day. Long story short, Tom Hanks finally meets Meg Ryan for the first time on top of the Empire State Building with after all the dramatic crap they've been through for the greater part of the film. This is a rather optimistic look at loss and how it may lead to the opening of countless possibilities, including but not limited to someone you've never met. It is possible though and as the tagline says, "what if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?" Sounds too good to be true but hey, if a random person could win the same lottery twice I guess the odds of falling in love again wouldn't be too bad. Adopting this to the context of a young adult living in the mid to late 00's, the same narrative would still apply. What if someone I never knew was the only someone for me? I'll let probability decide.


The third and last film in my sappy sad bastard movie binge would be City Of Angels. The plot is simple, an angel comes across a human being that catches his interest; he shows himself, talks to her, falls in love with her, gives up his angel status to be human with her and then she dies and he's left to cope. Other than the whole gift of the magi turn of events with Seth giving up his divinity and Maggie dying on him, a major theme here would be the transcendental nature of love or better yet the human will to self-determine and its ability to carve a line straight through any notion of context (as per Lost In Translation) and distance (as per Sleepless In Seattle). Come to think of it, one would be safe to assume that Assagioli's thought on wounding as the catalyst for growth would apply as well. The whole thing revolves around the notion of transcendental will and a transformation in and of the self, really. In the end, we will ourselves whichever way we please and we are held liable to the consequences of our actions, be it traumatic or favorable. As distanced as I am from the people I end up or rather ended up loving, I am still fully aware that my will to view things through a particular perspective still makes up half the battle regardless of the circumstance. Now what would I do if I were in that situation? What if I already am?

Anyway, seeing as how this is a huge steaming pile of verbal human excrement I would like to save further insight for the next entry. Til then, this'll have to do. It's not much, but hey I was talking through my ass.

I'm glad to be back.

P.S.

I did NOT mention Joey in this entry!

This little boy's never getting over you

Microblogging has gotten the worst of me and after spending way too much time deliberating as to whether I should get the hell out of those ADD-ridden cesspools, I finally decided to send my tumblr down the crapper. Well, not forever but I don't need distractions as of the moment. Long story short, I AM BACK ON FUCKING BLOGSPOT AND I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!

I'll be posting later, til then I'm glad to be back.