Lush- For Love

Okay, okay. January's been a rather tiresome month for me. I'll try my best to get a quick recap in somewhere. Until then, let's gloom the fuck out of everything with this beautiful song by Lush. I've had this on repeat for the past few days.

Lush- For Love

Pretty little girl, she shines. Knowing she is young, she smiles; happy just to be a prize, happy just to see his smile.

Silly little girl, she tries, thinking she is good and wise doesn't recognize the lies pouring from her lips. She sighs: "This is so real. It's what I feel. I look in your eyes and lose myself."

Silly little girl denies ever understanding why her face is full of sad surprise every time she hears him cry:

"What do you feel when you're with me? I look in your eyes and see myself."

But there's no connection, just his own reflection.

Isn't this the way you wanted me? In love with you. Do anything for you.

She looked in his eyes to lose herself and when it falls apart, she cries. Doesn't think to look inside; she just covers up her eyes. Doesn't see her own disguise and though she feels this sorrow, it will fade tomorrow. She'll pretend that this was really love. She'll make their fall seem beautiful. She won't remember this at all. She won't recall the truth at all. She wants to fall again.

This is goodbye.

Yes, this is goodbye.

Always you

Slow down

I repeat, things will be slow. I'll get back with a lot more to say within the next few weeks though. Hopefully, that's something to look forward to. I've been sleeping at 6am on average and I really think I need to get things back into order before I start fucking around again. Til then, I'd probably be doing thesis-related stuff.

Formspring, in response

How are you?

I am currently NOT doing my long overdue paper in experimental psychology and thesis writing. I'm also hating myself for thinking that I've bitten off more than I could chew. At the same time, frustrated at how much lip service I can pay when I know this could be done but I'm just not doing it. Speaking of doing it, I haven't gotten any since 3p09458929 years ago so you could imagine what kinds of frustration start piling up. Okay, back to work.

Are you in love? To whom?

Honestly speaking, I wish. I want to be. There isn't a waking moment where I didn't wish I was in love somehow but that doesn't come without its own fair share of sad truths. Just because you're closer than you thought you'd ever get to something and/or someone you genuinely (for lack of a better word) desire, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be welcome when you get to their hearts' front door. You could get turned down, you could crash your car and end up quadriplegic, get stuck in traffic, have a friend die, have family try and reel you in for "important" surprise trips or you could find yourself stranded at home because of harsh and unforgiving weather. That's all just on the way there. There are 3804928049832094 ways to skin a cat and there just as many reasons to not make things any easier. I just don't want to hope more than I have to anymore. It's hard to love when there are no guarantees. Hell, even statistically favorable chances of the whole thing doing well would've been fine to work with. There is little or no thrill in taking risks either if those same risks inevitably (and repeatedly) lead to the same unfavorable outcome so either I'm cynical or just scared of making the same mistake twice... or thrice. I lost count. Just to reiterate, I wish I was in love. If I happened to want to love someone and that person for one reason or another thinks it would be good to act on it for once (just as much as I do) then I don't see why I wouldn't be.

Sorry if I keep straying from the question. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all.

Will you, by chance, sleep with another man?

I'd rather not, but I'm not ruling that out either. Then again, I'm probably saying that because I haven't gotten any for 329804832048329 years and I'm desperate. Well fuck this, honestly speaking no.

Are the rumors true? Are you bisexual, immune to STD's and lacking in any standards?

There's a rumor mill for me? Wow, I never knew that. As for your questions, I'm attracted to women. Always have been. To date, I have yet to develop any significant attractions towards men so I guess I'm pretty straight. Although if you know me, I really am skeptical of absolutes. As for being immune to STD's, maybe it's because I'm also immune to sex. Seriously speaking, I'd prefer my sex safe unless I trust where my partner's been enough to try it without protection. Lacking in any standards? Shit, son. I'm precisely the way I am because my standards are too high to work around. Some more than others in various fields. I only ever have standards for issues and criteria I actively address so it wouldn't necessarily apply if you asked me for my standards on things that don't naturally occur from within my context. I hope that answers your question well enough.

Are your parents atheist?

My parents are both practicing Catholics, my mother more so. I'm the first little heathen in the family. They're consciously aware of me being agnostic which I find very favorable. My mother never taught me to buy into anything hook line and sinker. She always made it a point to let me know that there is no singular way to the truth and that everything else is just semantics. We sort of get each other on that level, she chose her beliefs because they made sense to her as I did with mine.

Masaya ka ba sa mundong ginagalawan mo?

In all of its absurdities, I still find reasons to believe that there's always something beautiful around the corner. Cynicism is cynicism but I do have my hopes and my hopes for myself and the world around me are due in part to having a fairly adequate grasp of what kind of world I'm in. It's far from perfect but there's always something to do for it to make it appeal to me in the very least. I've been feeling pretty shitty lately but hey, it comes with the contract. As Bobby Wratten said, "The world is beautiful and it's waiting."

If it was you, could you have done it any better? Wiser? Smarter? Or could you have done it just the same? Stupid? Headstrong? Close Minded? and Love fooled?

I'd probably make my own mistakes, take in their consequences and end up with my own fair share of regrets. I've been stupid, headstrong, close minded and lovefooled. The next time something like this happens, I'd probably have a little less of those faults and walk into a whole new mess for myself.

I'm an atheist but what is the purpose of filipino freethinkers? I don't know, whats the point?

Well, here's the thing. As with all groups that work towards a common end, the Filipino Freethinkers group seeks to forward the advancement of critical and rational thought as per the Philippine context. This is something that stems from its members' collective and individual stances on certain relevant truths and the questioning of their established status quos. Either that or it's just this big party of arrogant heathens. Pretty cool heathens, I might add.

Life in the 90s

Earlier in the week when I posted this I thought I'd end up having to type in an incredibly dense block of text just to explain how hazy things have been. I guess that isn't the case now so I'll be incredibly brief with this entry.

I've been too caught up thinking about things like where I stand now and the things I've gotten myself into since as far back as I could remember. Yes, it's one of those times where I end up getting myself deeper into it than I usually do so I don't have to do much explaining. Sounds like a mess, and well it sort of is but that's not half of it. I found a series of old pictures from the nineties up in the attic while boxing stuff up; the above picture belonging to the aforementioned set. From the looks of it, it was my 3rd birthday, placing the picture sometime in November of 1992. Apart from the fact that my father and I sort of look the same from that angle (in reference to my current display picture), I rarely see myself looking that, I dunno, alive? I guess Freud was right in saying there's always something in youth that we'd like to come back to. Seeing all of these old pictures make me want to return to that sense of innocent joy what I've been hinting at for so long.

Trying to sort things out, I guess the search for serenity I've constantly spoken of for months would amount to the kid in me wanting to come out and keep me company. I've just been too busy to give the kid a chance.

Maybe I should try living in the 90s for a change just so I could see if I deserve to live in the here and now.

Ty moya donetchka

Honestly, Camille. I really wish my kid would end up like you. This picture is the one she was referring to, by the way. Can you feel the gloom?

Camille Marie Nierra January 12 at 1:31am

Hello youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu miss you. You look rather melancholic sa profile pic mo ba. Your eyes are gloomy and you have a fake smile. Still cute nonetheless but still you look sad :| update me??? Any new cuento?

Francis Maria Regalado January 12 at 1:36am

I'm just lonely. Per usual but I dunno, I guess it's the need for companionship. I could do without it, minsan hinahanap ko lang which is terrible and makes me crazy for a while but I could stand longer periods of not caring now. You know me well, anaaak. >:D< The eyes don't lie, do they?

It's almost that time of year.

It's almost summer and I missed the way it felt. I was happy.

Only in the morning

I decided to make a group assignment in social psychology class, YMTWTM! style. Yeah, it's the same thing over and over again but then again it's an extension of my journal. Hope this catches points for creativity.

Untitled

Resonance. Traces of you still resonate with me. They grasp me in my stillness as you once did, promising never to let go yet the days, they pass so quickly; all these days I've spent alone. We are such loveless transients. Daylight waits for no one. Walking steadily in the motion of dreams, she moves in the grace of your every afterthought; quietly passing us by. I'm afraid I'll never see the sun again.

Distances for real

There used to be a time when I'd get letters in the mail and I'd send some stuff back and forth. I missed those. Not so much the person I used to send them to but how it felt back then. No regrets. Looking back at these things, I only see how beautiful love could be and how quickly people change. I wasn't alive before this and now that this whole thing came and went, I could sort of see things in a new light. It was good, but well I want something new. I need something new to a certain degree. Until then, here's something that popped up when looking for resources for a project in social psychology class.

April 16, '08.

Pilit nating pinipigil ang hilahil na nagpupumilit pumasok sa ating mga diwa. Ngunit sa kabila nito, malimit na pumapasok ang sari-saring imahe, mga mapapait na gunita. Sa kabila ng mga ngiti, taimtim tayong nagdarasal, tahimik na humihiyaw sa kalawakan na tumagal ang mga sandaling ito. Ngunit kalaunan, naging parang mga bulang sabay sabay nawala. At ngayon, umiikot ang ating mundo- pinagdugtongdugtong ng mga kurdon at antena. "Konting tiis na lang", parehas nating nasambit.

I took a leaf from your book!

How cheesy can we get, sending each other cards and letters via LBC.

Six months- we're halfway to our anniversary, love! One time, Tin exclaimed, "Four months? Parang ang tagal niyo na" when I told her how long we've been together two months ago. Most of the time, I feel that way. The distance and the longing might be the reason we're both hanging by a thread. We're both struggling to make this work but the minute I get a glimpse of your face, it's totally worth it. Like the time I went to Davao, the moment I saw you, my self control was to put to a test (I tried my best not to pounce on you, since your mom was there.) I miss seeing you before I go to sleep, when I wake up, or after you shower.

When I got back to manila, it was terrible. Well, you know how it was. Waking up, half-expecting that you would be beside me. Every morning, my eyes were extremely swollen because I cried my eyes out the night before. Talking to you, didn't help either because I'd cr more. I wasn't focused. I had to be realistic, I had to face the fact that this is how it goes, or else I'd go nuts.

The distance is unbearable, mainly because I really want you to be a part of my life, as much as I like to be a part of yours. Literally. I want us to be together before you go to class or eat together as much as we want to or if something really funny happens we could share it together or if I was feeling really sucky that day I could just hug you and I'd be okay. I just want to be with you, get to know you more, do stuff with you that you can't do in cyberworld.

Maybe God wants to lengthen my patience, that's why he decided that we should be together. Either that or he just wants me to be happy.

I just want you to know that I think about you everyday. I constantly wonder what you're doing. Most of the time, I try to think what it would be like if I was there.

My life is full of uncertanities, doubts and changes. What we have is the only permanent thing I have. My plans and decisions were short term. I have never been more certain in my life until now.

Happy monthsary,
I love you, Francis.

Continental drifting

Something I wrote for our would-be Awitenista entry. I still like these lyrics tho, what a shame.

Continental drifting

It's just not the same, the way these things are. No one's to blame when we're set this far apart. When we're always set to leave, the distance only speaks of how desperate we seem to be about what we could and we couldn't see. The further we stretch, the thinner we seem to spread and at this point we unravel with the tensile strength of thread. We're never the same with the way these things turned out; I guess we're both to blame for not knowing what love's about. We should've known better or at least I'd like to say that making up for past mistakes would be the best way of saving face. Do we still have faces to show? I hope we do, I know we do. We still have faces to show. Oh yes we do, oh yes we do. Why don't you stay a little bit longer?

Formspring, in response

Kuyaaa, you look like Rizal! :)) Just dropping by. :) - K by dorkerella

Aw sis, hello. :D See you this summer. :P

Hey Francis! If God and heaven and all that bullshit turns out to be real when you die, what would you say to God?

I would probably go on asking about how all of this is even remotely possible in a scientific sense. Also, it would be worth noting that I'd end up spewing some awkward crap to the effect of "hey, what do you do for a living?" But I dunno, I'd probably have a better answer to this question when I'm further along the way. As in bucket list kind of far.

What kind of a kid are you back then?

My folks always had this tendency to be overprotective. Looking back, even the kids in my neighborhood saw that I ended up the way I did because I never really left the house much. I was best friends with the tv for the greater part of my childhood. I was a terrible spazz when I was younger. Ended up reinforcing my english skills early on but the dents it made on my sense of sociality are increasingly hard to work out. I missed my old neighborhood though, at least the neighborhood I had before everybody moved out and when there were still kids my age in it. We were all just at the right place at the right time, around 3 or 4 middle-class tagalog families in the same compound. Good people too. I miss them dearly.

Why the moustache?

I dunno, it just feels right for me to have one I guess. Apart from that, I think I could single-handedly prove that humans are of simian descent by shaving my 'stache. I'd look like an ape if I didn't have it. That's how I feel about it at least.

If people were to ask you what "happiness" and "true peace" mean, what answer would you give them?

I don't think I could give a fitting description of what I make happiness and true peace to be. I could give pictures of it, snippets of how it would feel like but to define happiness would make as much sense to me as asking me to describe the experience of a living through a grand sunset. If I had to define them, I'd say happiness and true peace are a general disposition that would suggest that an individual's emotional equilibrium is balanced and stable yet leaning towards and conducive to overall elevations of mood. That's a pretty dead sounding definition but it's open enough for anyone to build personal meanings upon. I'm really at a loss for words, sorry. Happiness and true peace are THAT overwhelming for me.

What is hell to you?

Hell is other people. This is hell.

Are you dissatisfied about yourself? Why?

I think I harbor a healthy dissatisfaction with myself, at least enough to make me strive for something better when I need to. There's always something to work on and keeping that in mind, there's only room to grow by seeking these things out. I'm not dissatisfied to the extent of giving up on life, neither am I content with who or what I think I am as of the moment. My dissatisfaction keeps me moving and that's a good thing, right?

Are you gay?

I'm a human being and humans may be toward either persuasion at any given time. It's a person to person thing, doesn't really matter to me so I never really asked.

What is the #1 thing you want from a woman (other than sex)?

I've had my fair share and personally, I'd rather spend my time with someone I can actually develop a lasting emotional connection with instead of just fucking around. That's what all men want, biologically. With a conscious working mind and heart over the demands of said biology, there's got to be something more than that. I want there to be something more than that. I'll get back to this question later. I actually have a blog post to answer this in detail. (NOTE: To follow)

Will you ever come here in Perth? =)

I love travel and so long as I can, I'd love to see new places. Of course I'd like to go out and see Perth. Trixieee, is this you? Or wait, Rhea? :P I don't believe I know anyone else in Perth.

How many times do you take a bath in a day?haha.

I always take a bath at least once a day. More if necessary. :)

Trees. Branches. Roots.

A few days ago, I attended an informal two-day reunion with my childhood friends and playmates. It's been roughly 11 years since we all spent time together and well, it's something I guess we all missed. Even me. Especially me. Growing up in the same apartment compound, we were pretty tight-knit given that we all belonged to the same general demographic of middle-class tagalog speaking families with kids born in the eighties and raised in the nineties. Over some coffee, a few beers and some Gilbey's Premium Strength we went through the ups and downs of that collective childhood and took in every single second of nostalgia that was to come for those two days. We shared awkward stories, went on about the kid who'd pee in the flowerpots every morning, how Hubert was left behind once and had nowhere else to go only to stay at our unit for the afternoon. Lots of stuff. The "communal baths" behind the inside units, the secrets to opening the gate from the outside and how I was trapped in my house most of the time, kept under lock and key. We vividly remember the games we played, the dumb shit we did and yeah, the Benz and the vintage car too. The fact that I used to run around biting people like a vampire on crystal meth while being chased by our house help was particularly hilarious.

As different as we all are from each other right now apart from how far we are along the courses of our individual lives, we're all still branches from that same Barrio Obrero tree. Wherever we may choose to spread, it's in these common roots that we all started. Distanced as I am, I could still say I was there; that I had a stake in these people's memories. I'm proud to say I was part of something. I'm proud to say I was part of this.

Til next time, kids. You have no idea how this moved me. Thanks, everyone. For being there for that particular part of my life. You're still always there somehow.

First song for the new year

I hope this makes it to Love In Athens. Some parts I just threw together in my basement.