Those familiar with the concept of the human condition wouldn't be too hard-pressed to speak of the inevitability of having to come to terms with why things are the way they are, no matter how absurd or irrational they may be. Being a full-functioning individual with his faculties intact, I would like to lean towards the persuasion that this is something I am familiar with and something I could say I'm aware of. Long story short, there will never be a lack for instances when circumstance tries the best of us and our tolerance for getting short-changed and dealt a bad hand of cards.
For one, I am a person with a lot of unresolved personal and interpersonal conflicts given I have a lot of anxiety coming from a lot of people, places and situations. I won't go on enumerating each and every single one from that voluminous list but I will however delve a little into my anxiety in regards to distance and being distanced; maybe a little on the great human tragedy of never getting what one wants.
Life is unfair, at least that's what the maxim says. Statistically, we would know that among a certain distribution, data may or may not be skewed towards a particular side with what may be a more or less favorable set of conditions. It just so happens that with roughly 90 million people in this country and a population density of 760 people per square meter, I just had to be tossed into this particular patch of soil.
My personal phenomenology would suggest that whereas I seemingly thrive here given the accessibility I have to resources and the fact I'm generally well-off now as opposed to how I was before, I am starved for a few things that my stability in other departments couldn't compensate for. I didn't really grow up with people. I was always distanced be it because the children I was friends with had to move house or transfer school or because I was never allowed to go play outside or visit other people's houses, much less ask to let people in. Later on, the development of personal/individual interests and social exclusion on both my front and others reared its ugly head, adding to that feeling of isolation and the nurturing of an "us vs. them" mentality that still manifests from time to time. My parents and I being the sole representatives of my clan in this city didn't help much either as it also led me to living a life distanced from a majority of the members of my own family.
Never got used to having a lot of friends, never got used to having much of a family. You could probably paint a picture of my character with that and pair it up with my taste in music, art, film et al. That already says a lot.
Since we've been hinting towards a loose understanding of how probability works, let's once again speak of population density. Now that we have established that I grew up relatively distanced from the rest of the human race, we shall now move on to that select group of people I do happen to get along with. We don't have a shortage on styles of life here, tastes are incredibly varied among people but inevitably we will have more or less a certain demographic that caters to specific tastes at least based on the most lenient level of categorization. There are some representatives of that particular distribution here. I play in bands with some of them, I'm generally very close to that particular group. Even in groups however, people differ immensely and given how thinly spread things are in this city these aren't exactly people I could be intimate and/or wholly vulnerable with. I guess whereas I consider these people good friends, there are some things they just couldn't offer me.
Experience however would say that this could be averted by moving to an area where the situation is a lot more favorable lest one take on the colossal task of socially engineering one's immediate environment and context to suit one's favor. Personally, I have found that people up in places like Manila tend to cater more to my preferences than people from here do. Not only that, but there are more of them up there who I could potentially establish good working relations with be it romantic, artistic or of a generally friendly nature. Not to write this town off as dull by my standards but I guess it's just not what I'm looking for. Moving on, statistically speaking it would be a logical choice to take my exploits elsewhere where opportunity would be a lot more generous to me. Until I graduate however, Manila in all of its people, places, flaws and strong points would always be an hour and a half plane ride away. Still distant, but something I have a taste of. It adds up, really. A larger demographic, a larger number of possible interactions within that larger demographic and a heightened probability that a certain percentage of those possible interactions from within the larger demographic would be favorably sustainable.
As I hinted earlier, I'm stuck here for the meantime. It's frustrating and the seemingly human connections I've made with certain people up north only lead me to feel as if the opportunity to establish lasting ties to whichever end may only last for so long before disappearing. Whether it's previous trauma with long distance relationships and friendship or other factors that may give it an air of urgency, trying to maintain something given my context and the nature of my needs coupled with how high my hopes tend to be isn't exactly the easiest thing to balance.
So much could be said but it all runs rings around the fact that I'm lonely and in my desperation, my loneliness is working towards my own undoing. It's not that I don't have friends or people to spend time with at all, but I guess I'm looking to find that certain special connection I've experienced with different people at different times albeit in passing. The thought of concrete human interaction and a sense of belonging with more than just the usual members of my inner circle makes me feel like I could take on so much in hopes of transcending the anxiety I was raised with.
At times, it's the only thing that I feel gives me direction; this immense desire to reach out and root myself in others. Other times, nothing pains me more.
There is no burden greater than that of never being satisfied, I suppose. I've been dealt a workable but not entirely favorable hand in the card game of human interaction but in the end it'll have to be what I choose to do with the cards I have in hand.
Things could be so much better, I'm tired of always having to settle for less. I hope this doesn't drive me crazy in the process.
I've had enough with this drivel, it's time for me to go. I'll feel better in the morning.
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