Literaturegirls

In the search for shared phenomenology, many of my calls have gone unanswered. From the hole I've dug for myself however, my voice might still resonate and find the strength to reach you wherever you may be. Let my lowly voice echo on, let it travel far and wide. It's with these half-formed hopes that my words still seek to glisten in the back of your distant, hazy eyes.

Lost in the language of borrowed time, countless pages are inked with your name as a signature and a long-standing metaphor. I do not know what to say, I do not know what to do. I'd like for things to stay this way but I feel the same way too.

I'd like to think I know where we stand. I just don't know what to say.

Are we still friends? I just hope this doesn't change.

A Nostalgic Fondness

A NOSTALGIC FONDNESS
Ten sweet songs to remind us of better times

Tracklist:

1. Julianna Barwick- Anjos
2. Color of Clouds- Left You
3. Lush- For Love
4. Irene- By Your Side
5. Dylan Mondegreen- Something To Dream On
6. Aberdeen- Sunny in California
7. Club 8- I Wasn't Much Of A Fight
8. Asobi Seksu- Pink Cloud Tracing Paper
9. Sweet Trip- Chocolate Matter
10. Rocketship- Hey Hey Girl

Total length: 35:02
Total size: 47.5mb

DOWNLOAD HERE

New distances

I'd like to think I dress differently now. For all intents and purposes, I'm happier with the way I dress and subsequently, I'm pleased with the way it helped me become happier with myself as a person over the course of the past two years. Considering how anti-fashion and terribly classist I used to be, I think I've gone a long way in my understanding of worn aesthetic and its bearing in reference to one's sense of self. As with all social creatures, humans have the capacity to project themselves by way of a maintained sense of aesthetic.

From an explicit declaration of political leanings to a rather implicit display of preference for a niche group of friends, associates and prospective partners, I believe it's impossible to separate an individual from the commonalities of a preferred context. We derive a unique sense of self via our exercise of reflexivity as we move along a continuum of styles that arise from the culture or set of cultures we're immersed in. It's ironic to say the least, how individuality arises not from a general rejection of external influence as one might commonly assume, but rather from the adoption of a set of relatively exclusive standards that would lump and individual into a narrower social strata which allows for improved mobility in the prevailing power structure. It's not so much about building yourself up from scratch than it is trying to build yourself an environment that allows you to act upon your own potentialities.

I believe myself to be a more respectable person when I dress in a manner I consider respectable. With that inwardly directed sense of self-respect, I in turn feel like more of a capable person; someone capable of acting upon these said potentialities.

I may be well on my way there in terms of getting the approach down but every approach needs some follow-through. I'm not there yet but I intend to get to where I want to be. Ideally, I'll get there while I'm young and well-dressed.



P.S.

Hi, Madel! I am giving you special mention in this entry. I hope you don't mind.

Sometimes, I dream

Sometimes, I dream. From time to time, these dreams don't end well. Sometimes, I don't understand half of what they have to say to me. A lot of times, they only leave me hanging.

Yesterday, I woke up from a rather peculiar dream. It was in an open field with a stage set up for some band I wanted to see but could only vaguely remember. It was on a cloudy afternoon, at a location I couldn't readily describe. I was with friends and had just gotten up out of a tent to find seats close to the stage. I sat down on a chair facing the stage. One moment, I blink and all of the sudden I'm in the same place but I'm facing the other way. I'm staring everyone in the audience right in the face. It takes a while to register but when my eyes start to focus, I see hideous, ghastly faces and I scream as loud as I can.

Everything goes blank.

I wake up in some strange house, with all sorts of odds and ends that wouldn't look out of place in an episode of Tales from the Crypt. It was tense and I felt like something was after me but this was something that never really made itself known to me from within the dream itself.

I'll get back to this later. Sometimes, I dream.

I am seriously not getting any younger

Just so you know, I was young once. I'm not getting any younger. If you've read through my previous entries, you'll know this is something that both fascinates me and greatly scares me. I've always had a penchant for the uncertain and I always welcome change but I guess a part of us will always opt to cling to the safety of a familiar state of life.

This part of my life is coming to a close and I am ready to welcome the person I am to become within the next few years.

"One year until Manila", my mother said a while ago. "Be patient, you'll miss this when it's gone." As ready as I think I am for something new, I guess I'm also taking the time to prepare for the things I'm to miss when I leave this town.

I am seriously not getting any younger.

Next time, pick someone who doesn't care

It has become a point of concern that a certain individual has been posting text and various other content found in IDWTMYA. I am not for copyright or anything, but I do believe that people should at least have the common decency to not bastardize other people's life experiences by presenting them as one's own. It makes me feel insulted to say the least and to a greater degree, I feel sorry for the sad bastard behind these accounts. Well, this is a free plug for his sorry ass. Nice try, sunshine. Now grow a pair and fuck off.

The following are some of the said entries. Some may have been overlooked but here is a fairly representative list:

• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/373317235/01-04-10 > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/11/we-will-always-float-in-dead-trajectory.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/373335694/slow-down > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2010/01/slow-down.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/344110170 > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/11/fifteen-more-mornings-on-upper-east.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/328895981 > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/11/pretend-to-be-here.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/316441012/youre-a-dreamer-and-you-lack-focus-youre-just-like
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/313014205/hello > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/12/hello-donna.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/311244285/everyone-should-be-murdered > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-making-of-les-amants-and-interview.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/306365077/12-29-09 > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/05/phrase-of-month-and-related-statements.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/306362707/12-29-09 > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/11/pretend-to-be-here.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/304569717/12-28-09
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/301492203/two-of-my-moms-closest-friends-my-godparents > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/12/when-you-wake-youre-still-in-dream.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/296904610/i-hope-she-isnt-an-amelia-fletcher-1-im-tired > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-should-stop-wearing-breakup-clothes.html and http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/11/pretend-to-be-here.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/295129042 > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/10/blog-post.html
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/286246101 > The picture with the caption, “Meow!”
• http://ilovelamps.tumblr.com/post/283225466/i-took-that-pic-while-i-was-paying-bills-at-bayad > Lifted from http://idontwanttomissyouanymore.blogspot.com/2009/06/plot-to-blow-up-philippine-long.html

Nigga, please. That shit's whack.

He has done this to my formspring as well. Further plagiarism may be found at his blogspot if anyone bothers to find it.

UPDATE:

Action has been taken and his account has been suspended. Thanks, Marc from Tumblr!

A Quiet Monologue

This was something I made for economics class. It's about the politics of emotional scarcity and the patterns that lie behind a person's projected social interactions. This is a lot of firsts for me. First time I ever did a short in color, first time I ever did something fairly hi-res, first time I ever used a different editing program. So yeah, it could get better still. I enjoyed making this and am looking to make more past the walking around and going home schtick. Since I know what to do in some cases, I should at least try to apply them in different ways.

Our drama, there's not much more. It's coming to an end for sure.

Now is not the best time for a lot of things, especially when those said things get in the way of the last week of summer school. I'll be the first to admit that my performance during this term and the last has been terribly lackluster. I'm not happy with that and I don't think I could stress that enough. I do however have needs that need to be addressed despite the circumstances they might put me in when I get back to the regular rhythm of life.

I guess I have to 'fess up and take accountability for my actions. I'll do what it takes to get by and get things out of the way, so yeah. Here goes.

A while back, I wrote of my unabashed enthusiasm for Club 8's Philippine tour. I reserved tickets, shot a few messages and made a few calls. Soon enough, I was on a plane headed for Manila with a full set of plans for the days I'd end up spending there.

From the airport, I went straight to dad's office. Ate my first meal of the day around 3:30pm while watching Kick Ass (Whose eponymous protagonist reminds me of Polina's Nick Baker, only with The Locust's costumes in his backpack.). Haven't eaten at Mini-Stop in quite a while and I missed it. Apart from that though, I missed the people I used to go to Mini-Stop with, but that's besides the point.

Around 4:30pm, I high-tailed it over to Mall of Asia to meet up with Nudge in National Bookstore. After almost an hour of aimless wandering to Aberdeen's Homesick And Happy To Be Here, I found her looking up some Oscar Wilde books in the Literary Winners' section. Always nice to see a literary winner checking out other literary winners, don't you think? Anyways, she helped me pick out a notebook and after some more aimless wandering we decided to eat at Wham! Burger. Big mistake. The chicken littles were good but the chicken sandwich left a lot to be desired. Didn't finish all of it. It just got a tad gross towards the end.

Soon after, we started looking for the way to SMX Convention Center. Asking for directions didn't help much, so we tried playing a game of "follow that hipster!" wherein the both of us had to find the way to the venue by following well-dressed kids in pointy shoes. Three blocks and a lost hipster later, we got to SMX.

After an hour or so of waiting in line for the venue to open and poking fun at how hardcore punk kids end up watching Club 8, Nudge and I walked in to find merch tables, busy production staff and a sea of eager fans. I bought the Labrador Records press for Club 8's Strangely Beautiful and a t-shirt for The People's Record and sat down a few heads away from the stage.

The show started soon enough with The Gentle Isolation. I haven't heard them prior to this and from their set, I could safely say they're one of those bands that would really make me smile to see again. Your Imaginary Friends came after. Albeit plagued by technical difficulties in the middle of their set, they still put on a good show. Very heartfelt and charming. The Camerawalls followed, bringing an entire stage full of bandurristas on stage with them. That whole spectacle was a sight to see and Clem Castro's stage presence won me over apart from having a very solid repertoire that would've gotten me to listen to them anyway. Kudos to him for pulling all of this together with the Lilystars crew, as well. I could only imagine how crazy things would've been over his end. Solid lineup, very smooth flow in between bands. At least that's how I see it.

A tense air hung over the audience soon after The Camerawalls played. The crew started setting up, bringing instruments back and forth. We all knew it was coming and just when we were all creaming our pants in excitement, there they were. Club 8, in all their Swedish indie glory, standing in front of us; readying themselves for what was to be the highest point of the evening. They didn't say anything, they just got up and burst into Western Hospitality off of their latest opus, The People's Record. The rest, as they say, is history.

This was definitely a huge event by indie standards. Over at this end though, it was nothing short of an oasis in the middle of a far stretching existential drought for me.

As stated in an earlier entry, I would just like to reiterate the following statement:

This is really something I'd like to experience specifically because of what Club 8 means to me. I guess it's because of where I was around the time I really listened to them. In a sense, like I say about My Bloody Valentine's Loveless, Club 8 was there for me when everyone else couldn't be. They brought me through hard times so I suppose it's my way of giving back to them. Paying for the tickets, showing my support, buying their cds and other merch should they have any.

The mere fact I was there to watch and actually meet Karolina Komstedt and Johan Angergard was a huge thing for me as it took Club 8 into the realm of actual shared experience. I felt it in the connection I had with the rest of the crowd, in the time I spent with Nudge and in Johan and Karolina's words and company.

"We're glad to have helped you through these parts of your life. At least through the music, we're there for you in good times and bad."

-Johan Angergard to me

On a whole, the whole Club 8 experience left me with a stronger desire to experience life as it's meant to be experienced in and among people. Looking into it, I realized that brief, if only momentary patches of inter-subjectivity are just as important as the major turning points that arrest us and change the course of our lives as we know it.

I guess I know what I'm looking for now. Ennui pays off because it makes you see the things you take for granted.

"With all this drama, there's something to lose but the ending we don't choose. Our drama, there's not much more. It's coming to an end for sure."

Club 8- I wasn't much of a fight

YMTWTM! still draws things

Full view, maybe? I missed drawing things. Always puts a smile on my face when I do.

Before transience

Before transience, there was music. My mother just gave me her n97 on the grounds of it being more suited to that whole technologically-dependent demographic I've gotten myself into. I named her Pia after the Estonian shoegaze band, Pia Fraus. She has an FM transmitter so that solves the problem I have about my car's cd player.

Going to school should be less taxing now. This does however remind me that I missed my 9:15 class and I might miss the next one if I don't get going.

Read this and I'll pretend to be here.

Come what may

I think it sort of runs as a recurring theme as per the content of my entries, whenever I say something that would hint towards establishing some sense of stability with regards to myself, my relationship with myself and my relationships with other people. I occasionally refer to this as the unending search for permanence. In case you've been following IDWTMYA, you might have seen words or phrases of similar bearing thrown around a lot.

Instead of rambling endlessly about it like I always do, I suppose it would make more sense to sum it up in words that wouldn't be so indulgent as they are a primer towards the rest of the day and if absolutely necessary- the days to come.

The question I pose is this: What need is there for permanence in the life of a self-proclaimed "loveless transient"?

As the seconds roll by, snowballing into hours, days and weeks; may this be my momentary afterthought. I'd like to find out what permanence means to the transient in me and discern if the voice of the other is polarizing enough to assume a mutually exclusive persuasion. If I must be a transient, where am I going and to what end?