Today is the first day of my life. After a year of dealing with the slow-burning heartache of long sleepless nights and tragic old pop songs, I'm able to say that with everything I've been through and everyone I've met within that span of time, I'm not the same person I was before. Recovery wasn't so much an effort to piece myself together as it was a path to at least partial self-discovery. Coming to terms with the parts of myself I particularly dislike and looking for ways to come closer to the kind of person I want to be, I couldn't really say much about how far I've gone. I wouldn't know to which extent I have but I'd really like to think I've gotten somewhere. From where I was standing, at least I'm something now.
I have always been a transient and as a transient, I finally found a home in my own transience. Emotions never last, neither do the circumstances that bring them into this plane of existence. Regardless of this, it is in fleeting human moments that I live by the day as I've come to believe that we're all only as impermanent as each other. What's a moment worth if we don't act on it? What's the point of living if we let all of these potentially precious moments pass?
There is truth in the maxim, 'hell is other people'. At least it's true the way I see it with the way people's lives send ripples across the universe in the things they say and do. Figurative heaven shouldn't be too far off either in that case if we're going to be polar with the meanings we ascribe as per Sartre's statement. Running the course of human interaction, it would be fairly safe to say we've all been up there at one point or another; just as often as we've gotten the shorter end of the stick as far as life with others is concerned. Simply put, so long as everything else is adequate; the quality of a person's life is seen in how the actors are situated within one's context and how one would choose to interpret its set differentials. Okay, so how does this perspective crap tie in with who I think I am now?
Yes, I've said this before; I'm a transient. I'm a transient because people are transient. It's inherent in human nature for us to come and go as life in itself is never at a standstill for us. That said, in recent memory a fair number of people have come in and out my door. Some, lasting longer than others. Some of them never really leave. In particular, very few ever stay long enough to make a noticeable impression on the way I live my life. One did and well, starting over plays a huge part in this as well.
Fine, I'll stop beating around the bush. Whereas I've opted to distract myself in any way I can for the greater part of the year, I guess you could say that since the day we started talking you've held my attention like no one else could. You are not one of those distractions. Among the people I've spoken to and met prior, you're the only one I took I ever seriously and without apprehension and well I'm thankful we bumped into each other in the first place. You have no idea how much I've come to regret what I've done to you or how wrong I was to question what this was worth. Whatever this is, it means something. I believe it does. There's no better way for me to word it as I've only so much to say about you and I and how this matters in the greater scheme of things. I know you're not into indie pop, you think twee is gay and shoegaze might just bore you to death but like Sarah Records band The Harvest Ministers once said, 'you do my world a world of good.' I'm sorry, Nics. I'm really at a loss for words.
You could be anywhere else but here with anyone else but me but for whatever this is worth, a part of me will always wait for you; walking the same streets, sitting in the corner of the same cafes. I'm making you something, I just hope I get to give it to you soon.
Happy birthday. I'll always just be here for you, waiting in your shadow; sitting idly by with a book in my hand and hazy eyes to match. Now, where have you been all of my life?
P.S.
Hey, this is a long shot but when you get back what about lunch? :)
P.P.S.
Honestly speaking, if anyone else is wondering why I never went on about what I ended up like since the earlier paragraphs were almost set to explain I just want to say that I've been listening to too much of My Bloody Valentine's 2008 remastering of their seminal release, Loveless. Listen to that album, read the lyrics and that would probably do a good job of explaining and well yeah, I'm going to explain what the rest of this means some other time.
P.P.P.S.
Now I know what it looks like when you're blogging, you fall asleep and you continue when you wake up. Look how split in half this thing is. Lol.
I have always been a transient and as a transient, I finally found a home in my own transience. Emotions never last, neither do the circumstances that bring them into this plane of existence. Regardless of this, it is in fleeting human moments that I live by the day as I've come to believe that we're all only as impermanent as each other. What's a moment worth if we don't act on it? What's the point of living if we let all of these potentially precious moments pass?
There is truth in the maxim, 'hell is other people'. At least it's true the way I see it with the way people's lives send ripples across the universe in the things they say and do. Figurative heaven shouldn't be too far off either in that case if we're going to be polar with the meanings we ascribe as per Sartre's statement. Running the course of human interaction, it would be fairly safe to say we've all been up there at one point or another; just as often as we've gotten the shorter end of the stick as far as life with others is concerned. Simply put, so long as everything else is adequate; the quality of a person's life is seen in how the actors are situated within one's context and how one would choose to interpret its set differentials. Okay, so how does this perspective crap tie in with who I think I am now?
Yes, I've said this before; I'm a transient. I'm a transient because people are transient. It's inherent in human nature for us to come and go as life in itself is never at a standstill for us. That said, in recent memory a fair number of people have come in and out my door. Some, lasting longer than others. Some of them never really leave. In particular, very few ever stay long enough to make a noticeable impression on the way I live my life. One did and well, starting over plays a huge part in this as well.
Fine, I'll stop beating around the bush. Whereas I've opted to distract myself in any way I can for the greater part of the year, I guess you could say that since the day we started talking you've held my attention like no one else could. You are not one of those distractions. Among the people I've spoken to and met prior, you're the only one I took I ever seriously and without apprehension and well I'm thankful we bumped into each other in the first place. You have no idea how much I've come to regret what I've done to you or how wrong I was to question what this was worth. Whatever this is, it means something. I believe it does. There's no better way for me to word it as I've only so much to say about you and I and how this matters in the greater scheme of things. I know you're not into indie pop, you think twee is gay and shoegaze might just bore you to death but like Sarah Records band The Harvest Ministers once said, 'you do my world a world of good.' I'm sorry, Nics. I'm really at a loss for words.
You could be anywhere else but here with anyone else but me but for whatever this is worth, a part of me will always wait for you; walking the same streets, sitting in the corner of the same cafes. I'm making you something, I just hope I get to give it to you soon.
Happy birthday. I'll always just be here for you, waiting in your shadow; sitting idly by with a book in my hand and hazy eyes to match. Now, where have you been all of my life?
P.S.
Hey, this is a long shot but when you get back what about lunch? :)
P.P.S.
Honestly speaking, if anyone else is wondering why I never went on about what I ended up like since the earlier paragraphs were almost set to explain I just want to say that I've been listening to too much of My Bloody Valentine's 2008 remastering of their seminal release, Loveless. Listen to that album, read the lyrics and that would probably do a good job of explaining and well yeah, I'm going to explain what the rest of this means some other time.
P.P.P.S.
Now I know what it looks like when you're blogging, you fall asleep and you continue when you wake up. Look how split in half this thing is. Lol.
It's nice to know you're living your life to the extent you want it to be :D
ReplyDelete