On the passing of the grand year

It's been beautiful, sitting on this side of the fence with no shortage of anticipation for the coming and passing of the grand year. As with every year she is to birth us, we tremble at the thought and revel in the excitement of her seemingly infinite possibilities; weightless, timeless and breathless.

This is goodbye, love. Will I ever see you again?

Anchors aweigh!

BEFORE

AFTER

If I remember correctly, that first picture was taken in September of 2008. I weighed close to 130lbs++ back then, losing around 20 pounds from my base weight of 150lbs++. In that picture I was wearing an S-size shirt. The second picture on the other hand is a picture of me from a few hours ago. It's December of 2009. I'm somewhere in the neighborhood of 157-160lbs++ now. I went up from my size 31 waistline to around 33 or 34 and my undershirt is in M. Not that I'm praising myself for being on the long winding road of being a potential fatass, but I'm glad to see that I look a lot healthier and a lot happier than I did before. Makes me feel a lot better about myself now. Goes to show, as Popsicle would say, "I can change. I'm not the same. Not forever."

NOW, I must find a way to trim down and maintain a figure I'm actually content with. :)

Safe in small hands

I just found the original lyrics for what was to be Caitlyn Bailey's 9 minute epic, Small Hands. I hope to actually use these lyrics someday for another CB song. Til then, I'll post it here under its working title. Honestly, I couldn't remember how this didn't make it to record. It remains unfinished but sort of reads alright as/is.

Safe in small hands

Tears have never fallen from heaven the way they did on the day I decided to cleanse myself of the scent of home and everything that came with it. I ran as fast as any child could ever run; chasing what I thought was solace, dressed in the clothes of escape and new captivity. As the rain fell on me, I saw that there was nowhere else to go but far away from here; "anywhere but here", just as mother said. I couldn't begin to ask whether I was running forward or simply running away from a life I called my own but knew was never mine.

...but this was mine, the notion that all roads led to the same place; to that single moment of clarity that was neither clear enough to decipher or obscure enough to disregard. This heart; this time of day was mine, waiting patiently for the torrential downpour of my generation to come crashing down. To wash away each and every single idle moment where a hand touched a cheek, a robe was taken off and wet kisses led to a war of men and men again. The shadow of absence cuts deep and narrow. This was a life I called my own but knew was never mine.

Formspring, in response

What's up?

I guess I'm caught up in the air of what I'd like to think is a dead season. Haven't spent much time out lately, things have been pretty boring to be perfectly honest. Looking forward to writing music with the rest of Love In Athens on the 30th, that should be good. I might also want to look for a good amp in the meantime.

Bumalik ka na sa Tumblr. Please? IMY. by bobmama

Man, as much as gusto ko talagang bumalik dun I think microblogging's gotten the best of me far too many times for comfort. Naglulurk parin ako sa tumblr pero I don't post na. It breaks my heart every time I go there. Malamang sa malamang, di ako babalik sa tumblr. PERO PERO PERO, babalik naman ako sa Manila real soon so yeah. :)

How easy are you?

Let's just say life would be easier if I were easier.

Why Maria?

Is this a follow up to a previous question or are you asking me about my name? Well if it's about my name, my mother thought it would be appropriate to add Maria to my first name on the grounds of being a living tribute to the Virgin Mary. Being the little heathen I am, you could see how that worked out. Haha :P One thing we discovered when I was twelve, btw. My father chose to name me Francisco after my great grandfather, turns out his wife's name was Maria rin so yeah. Francisco Maria, great grandson of Francisco and Maria Jimenez.

Why punk rock?

Well, it's just something I got myself into. It's a pretty messy story but at least based on whatever notion I have of what punk rock is, I'm thankful I have a piece of that with me. I wouldn't have been the same without it for whatever reason. I guess it was because of punk rock that I sought to have a direction in life. I may not be dirt poor or dress in crusty-ass clothes but I'd like to think I know who I am, where I want to be and how I'd like to get there well enough. Regardless of what people say, I'd like to have my heart in the way I live. That's pretty punk rock in itself I guess.

Hey Francis! Why are you so awkward?

More often than not, when I'm put on the spot I have absolutely no idea what to say or do. This is mostly due to the fact that I never run out of situations I've never experienced before. A lot of times, I space out trying to make a moral judgment of things and end up freezing mid-thought when I realize how long it's taking me to think. Honestly though, I'm really bad at this. If you've met me in person, you'd know just how awkward I get. Sometimes its funny, sometimes it's just plain sad. Either way, I'm not that ashamed of being awkward. I'd like to enjoy being awkward while I still have the capacity to because somewhere along the way I'm bound hit that "been there, done that" snag and learn to be cool with things.

In your friends list, who would you: 1. fuck, 2. marry, 3. kill?

Tough question. I don't think I'd like to fuck around with anyone who'd be able to trace me through my facebook profile or any of the other profiles I have floating around the internet. I'm just too visible. Okay if it's casual sex, I'm biased but I guess only with people I've slept with before. Who would I marry? Well, that's if a balance is struck between my measured attraction towards a prospective partner and that individual's attraction towards me; factoring in possible benefits and downsides to partner selection of course. I don't really see anyone I'd want to marry and I think that's partly because I'm young and I see myself single at 33. I'd like to be proven wrong though. As for people I'd like to kill, I wouldn't want to kill anyone. There are better ways to deal with people and I wouldn't want my feelings to get in the way even if I felt strongly for it. Besides, if I harbored a deep-seated disdain for you would I even have you in my friends list?

How vain are you?

Vain. Just a little bit. More than that, I'm just lonely so I end up spending more time on myself than I usually would if I were with other people.

If you could, would you choose to live forever ?

The proposition is appealing but honestly, I don't think living would make much sense if I lost that sense of impermanence. Part of what makes life meaningful is the thought that this would all be over soon; a particular urgency that drives you to self-determine the nature of your own existence. I guess I'm just not built to live forever with that point of view, I'm not willing to compromise that either.

Do you believe in ghosts?

I believe in science, I'm not writing the possibility off and in fact I lean towards that persuasion but if they do exist then there's got to be a scientific explanation. I tend to believe that ghosts are traces of spent energy but whatever, I'm talking out of my ass here.

Do you use photoshop vintage color actions on your photos?

Actually no, I just use that fix photos feature that goes with Windows Photo Gallery. It saves a lot of time and ram. The actual photos taken usually look close to that since I have my camera set to "jaundice vision" all the time. I just lessen the saturation and increase the color intensity and contrast in the finished product.

WHY SO HATEFUL???

MY BLOOD BOILS WITH MY SEETHING DISCONTENT! SO HATEFUL! If you have to know, it's an in-joke between Mia and I. Long story, longer than most of the answers I've typed in here. Well yeah, that's basically it. The cliff's notes version, at least.

How lonely are you when you're alone?

Lonely enough to start a blog in hopes of keeping my memories company; lonely enough for things like art (both its creation and consumption) if I may put it bluntly. Other than that, I guess I'm just as lonely as lonely usually gets. Nothing special or anything, it's just something I end up feeling because there's no one else to talk to late at night and that yearning just adds to the general ennui. I don't really have a gauge as to the extent of my loneliness but I do know I feel that way often.

Commit this to memory, maybe someday

Formspring.me

Okay, I sold out. I made a Formspring account.

ASK ME ANYTHING HERE

I really don't expect anyone to ask but in case anyone does, I'll answer them right away.

Untitled

Untitled

"Stay still, don't let me wake you" I said, stumbling over from your bedside in the dawn's drunken haze. Not wanting to stay any closer than I had to, I quietly sat in the corner to watch you from across the room; minding every breath and breathing slower with every movement. The clock remained frozen beneath the soft ambient light of your end table lampshade; pinned to the same 4:18am I left days ago. Your sheets have never been as lonely as this before, it's such a pity that I'm only beautiful in the morning.

Manila in December

Looking back, I guess some people do miss me when I'm gone. None of us are getting any younger but that doesn't necessarily mean we have to drift apart, at least any further than we have to. I never really knew what it was like having family past my folks and all. That's how it always read in my schema for familial relations for whatever reason. Until now, that is. I don't know what the hell I ate but for some reason I actually feel like I'm part of something now. Like I sort of matter to this family.

Well, the part of this family that isn't my folks. Maybe I should come home for December more often. I'll miss you kids. See you soon, Paolo, Gelli, Cecilia, Carl, Chris, everyone.



P.S.

Friends, WE HAVE TO GO OUT SOMETIME WHEN I'M IN MANILA! I STILL HAVE TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU BASTARDS!

The weekend bipolar

With everyone being in a particularly festive mood, I guess it would be good to cash in with the whole Christmas/year-ender party thing for once. Since this is the last week of school for 2009, everybody's been busy making plans for the weekend. I made plans myself, leaving for Manila on the 20th. This isn't about that, though. If you all remember, my friend Peter sang for a thrashcore band called As A Whole. A few weeks ago, Pio (or was it Von?) asked if I wanted to sing a song or two for AAW's final show. Of course, I accepted since A: Lie No More was my favorite AAW song next to Building Structures (which Sak and Wex of Iron Will sang that night) and B: As A Whole and Peter's efforts were practically my introduction to local punk rock.

Got to Dart Station (yeah, the 'iconic' hardcore punk venue) around 9-ish and I just knew then and there that this wouldn't be one of those shows that would inevitably end up achieving critical mass. It was mostly guys in bands and Pete's friend Bingo from Switzerland was there too. Luis from Swiss d-beat unit, Pack was supposed to go but stuff came up so he had to go home. Bingo did say Luis was coming back this January tho so that should be good. Seeing as how the show took a while to start apart from AAW being the last band on the bill, I decided to crash a nearby party my other non-punk friends were off to.

It's 11pm, give or take a few minutes. I stopped over by Some Place Else looking for Cheene and Dexter, didn't see them there. On my way out, I bumped into one of my classmates. After a short exchange, I find out that the whole Jungle Party thing at Casa de Habana was all Gimi's doing and he asks me to go in for free. So yeah, there was a shitload tons of free booze to go around. Our drummer, Paris just so happened to be there so we made plans of catching As A Whole's set later on in the night. I haven't partied for the longest time so this was actually a surprisingly good turn of events. My classmates were there, my friends from Harley's were there, hell Camille Nierra was there and that made the night absolutely perfect.

Hitting 1am, shit-faced and all; Paris and I stumble over to Pete's tribute show just in time for Lapida's set. We stick around until the end of the show. I sang on AAW's second to the last song, Lie No More. Memorized the lyrics, nearly played through it; towards the end of the song, Astro accidentally kicked the extension cord for the amps clean out of the wall socket. We played the whole song from the top, so yeah technically I sang two songs with As A Whole.

Went back to Casa de Habana with Paris afterwards. We drank some more then I went home after taking Paris to Metro (where everyone else at the party went after). This was around 3am, and I had to be at the airport by 5. At this point, when I got home I had yet to pack so yeah. No sleep, sleep is for the weak. I got to Manila tired as hell and hung over. Had lots of fun over the weekend though.

Hope this isn't the last time.



P.S.

Gimi, thanks for the awesome party. Classmates, we should do this more often. Camille, nothing I just miss you.

P.P.S.

Paris, get working on those songs! WE HAVE TO PRACTICEEEEE!

P.P.P.S.

Peter, rest in peace old buddy. I bet you'd be laughing your ass off with the way things turned out that night. We all miss you somehow.

The soft lights of capital city

You know who you are and what you mean to me. I don't know what this is but all I know is it matters. It means the world to me at least. My tired eyes won't cry a river for you, neither would a smile lift itself from between the gaps of my teeth for any of this. This isn't what I'm your life for.

Don't say goodbye. I want to make this matter.

When you wake, you're still in a dream

Two of my parents' closest friends, my godparents died last Monday along with their grandson on the way home from Tacurong. They crashed into a truck and got so horribly disfigured from the accident that they weren't readily identified when they got dragged out of the wreckage. There might not be a wake, might go straight into cremation. I don't know. Still reeling in the wake of Peter's death, I don't know what to feel about this. These are people I've known my whole life, good people at that. I just couldn't imagine how I used to think these people would end up meeting my children and telling them the same things they told me when I was younger.

Apart from this, I'm also worried about a close family friend from the states. She's been like an aunt to me ever since I went and stayed at her place up in Cerritos and also ended up becoming one of the reasons why I wanted to play in a band so badly with her being former drummer of a Beatles cover band. She just came here for a visit a few months prior and now I find out she has cancer.

As much as I'd like to ask if this would ever end, I think I know full well that events and instances like these are just hard facts of life we have to come to terms with.

Important thing here is we were left with something good to remember them by, tangible or not. I know I'll look back to this thanking them for whatever they did for me and my family. Loss comes and goes but the things I choose to make for myself and the people around me last so long as people remember. At least aunt Julie's still alive. I really hope she pulls through. I really want to see her again if ever I get to go back to the states.

Anyway, time to hit the sack. Exams later, can't be late. Shit, I hate this. 2009... the year of loss.

Untitled

Untitled

Bodies spilling outward in full icarian descent, our spirits stare back through the windows of paper airplanes. Outside, looking in; inside, we're never to see each other again. Arcing through the slow blooming debris, flowers spring from my palms. I close my eyes and call it love, clutching you even tighter; falling the way I should have years ago. Together we fall, together we return to the soil as we did when we first met.

In the soil below us, flowers still spring from my palms.

Odd fact

While shooting a few parts for my project the other day, it really gave me the creeps seeing cab number 666 pull up in front of me again somewhere around Landco. I don't really believe in this stuff and I do believe it's statistically possible to have this happen with a certain degree of frequency but being a horror movie fan, for chrissake what's with this guy?

Long story short, this bastard is still following me!

Transient Hearts

I started making these short films sometime around 2007 for lack of anything better to do. I've always been reluctant to call these little things short films given my lack of confidence in the quality of my work so I've treated these more like journal entries that would only make sense to me. This is the latest one; apart from the quality of the cam I was using and the fact that I keep on affixing my name to my short films' titles (which shows how little I know about making films) I'm pretty satisfied with what came of it. I won't really go into detail about this but this idea just sort of came up when thinking of things to do for someone's birthday. Ended up becoming this, ended up summing up what this year meant to me and this time I did this with someone in mind.

Anyway, that's it for all its worth. Belated happy birthday. :)



P.S.

Thanks to Paeng for pointing out how dumb my name looks when thrown in with the title. It DOES sort of kill the mood come to think about it.

You have to stay young and beautiful if you want to be loved

Today is the first day of my life. After a year of dealing with the slow-burning heartache of long sleepless nights and tragic old pop songs, I'm able to say that with everything I've been through and everyone I've met within that span of time, I'm not the same person I was before. Recovery wasn't so much an effort to piece myself together as it was a path to at least partial self-discovery. Coming to terms with the parts of myself I particularly dislike and looking for ways to come closer to the kind of person I want to be, I couldn't really say much about how far I've gone. I wouldn't know to which extent I have but I'd really like to think I've gotten somewhere. From where I was standing, at least I'm something now.

I have always been a transient and as a transient, I finally found a home in my own transience. Emotions never last, neither do the circumstances that bring them into this plane of existence. Regardless of this, it is in fleeting human moments that I live by the day as I've come to believe that we're all only as impermanent as each other. What's a moment worth if we don't act on it? What's the point of living if we let all of these potentially precious moments pass?

There is truth in the maxim, 'hell is other people'. At least it's true the way I see it with the way people's lives send ripples across the universe in the things they say and do. Figurative heaven shouldn't be too far off either in that case if we're going to be polar with the meanings we ascribe as per Sartre's statement. Running the course of human interaction, it would be fairly safe to say we've all been up there at one point or another; just as often as we've gotten the shorter end of the stick as far as life with others is concerned. Simply put, so long as everything else is adequate; the quality of a person's life is seen in how the actors are situated within one's context and how one would choose to interpret its set differentials. Okay, so how does this perspective crap tie in with who I think I am now?

Yes, I've said this before; I'm a transient. I'm a transient because people are transient. It's inherent in human nature for us to come and go as life in itself is never at a standstill for us. That said, in recent memory a fair number of people have come in and out my door. Some, lasting longer than others. Some of them never really leave. In particular, very few ever stay long enough to make a noticeable impression on the way I live my life. One did and well, starting over plays a huge part in this as well.

Fine, I'll stop beating around the bush. Whereas I've opted to distract myself in any way I can for the greater part of the year, I guess you could say that since the day we started talking you've held my attention like no one else could. You are not one of those distractions. Among the people I've spoken to and met prior, you're the only one I took I ever seriously and without apprehension and well I'm thankful we bumped into each other in the first place. You have no idea how much I've come to regret what I've done to you or how wrong I was to question what this was worth. Whatever this is, it means something. I believe it does. There's no better way for me to word it as I've only so much to say about you and I and how this matters in the greater scheme of things. I know you're not into indie pop, you think twee is gay and shoegaze might just bore you to death but like Sarah Records band The Harvest Ministers once said, 'you do my world a world of good.' I'm sorry, Nics. I'm really at a loss for words.

You could be anywhere else but here with anyone else but me but for whatever this is worth, a part of me will always wait for you; walking the same streets, sitting in the corner of the same cafes. I'm making you something, I just hope I get to give it to you soon.

Happy birthday. I'll always just be here for you, waiting in your shadow; sitting idly by with a book in my hand and hazy eyes to match. Now, where have you been all of my life?




P.S.

Hey, this is a long shot but when you get back what about lunch? :)

P.P.S.

Honestly speaking, if anyone else is wondering why I never went on about what I ended up like since the earlier paragraphs were almost set to explain I just want to say that I've been listening to too much of My Bloody Valentine's 2008 remastering of their seminal release, Loveless. Listen to that album, read the lyrics and that would probably do a good job of explaining and well yeah, I'm going to explain what the rest of this means some other time.

P.P.P.S.

Now I know what it looks like when you're blogging, you fall asleep and you continue when you wake up. Look how split in half this thing is. Lol.

Hello, Donna!

I've been trying to catch some major sleep this week, that isn't to say that I've gotten any sleep at all. Everything's been terribly off-kilter and not in an adventurous or self-exploratory sort of way, so you could all tell how shitty my week's been. I haven't been able to write an entry as of late but I guess this would be fairly noteworthy. Okay, so I wake up around six in the morning. Dad walks into the room and asks me to check something out in his bedroom. Took me a while to get out of bed but as soon as I got in there, I found an HP G60 lying on the bed. All dad had to say was "all yours." Now this just made my week. Well, that and the past few weeks.

Thanks, Dad. I'll name her Donnatella. <3

Secret Shine- Adored

Secret Shine- Adored

I thought that I'd never be someone who you don't see anymore. You just want to start again; all of the things we've said mean nothing. Now it's falling apart. How I want to be back at the start. You and I touched the sky. Nothing had before you were the one I adored. It's all we were. Nothing we did could hurt. I wanted nothing more, you were the one I adored. I thought it would never be so hard to watch and see us falling. Is there nothing that we can do? Just to try and make it through together?

Umwertung aller Werte

It's that time of year again. December of last year was a terrible and monumentally bitter time for me, thus leading me to try and redefine myself as an individual. I'm not exactly Nietzschean but the transvaluation of all values may yield some points I could draw from. Phenomenalism apart from the phenomenological crap I throw around every now and then may be a point of interest for me and may provide additional insight as to my development and subsequent interactions throughout the course of the year.

Seriously speaking, I don't have plans of walking out of this town as I have countless times before. Haphazard lifesmanship isn't an option at all. I intend to have a face to show when I leave here and I intend to deserve what I get. This has been an off week and I have to get back on track.

This is one of those times where I just can't say what I feel. Maybe I'm just tired, I don't know. Guess I should get some sleep.

I'll feel better in the morning. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of these things to make sure I stay on course.

My Bloody Valentine- Strawberry Wine

My Bloody Valentine- Strawberry Wine

Misty morning in the springtime; close your eyes, crystal eyes. On the darkside, let the light shine. Please, please stay with me tonight. These lips will find strawberry wine. I was looking at your window, lurking there beneath my feet. Cherry apples, long grass meadows; searching I, for dreams in sleep. These lips will find strawberry wine. Misty morning in the springtime, lurking there beneath your feet. On the darkside, let the light shine; think of me, don't let me keep. These lips will find strawberry wine.

Have we been misconstrued?

I don't like how everyone's been asking me if there's anything going on between me and one of my close friends. Okay, at first I thought it was cute but honestly speaking it's gotten quite annoying to say the least. We're close friends, at least I think we are. We share the same classes and play in a band together. I know exactly what this is and when people see this differently, it just makes the whole thing really awkward. Maybe I should lay off a sec and try to calm down about everything before I try to put things into perspective. It's understandable to be a little hazy after all that's happened this month; a friend dying, seething discontent with Philippine politics, the fact I'm perennially loveless and Caitlyn Bailey's indefinite hiatus.

Truth be told, I don't even know how to say it. I'm that frustrated and as per the Francis Maria pattern, one thing leads to another and I end up panicking too much to keep my head straight enough to get things done. I've seen it happen before and there's no way I could let this pass. This shouldn't affect my output, I've already had enough for this week and I'm going to have to force myself to get back on track. Fuck this. Fuck you, fuck everyone else.

This is one of those times when I miss just having someone there for me to make me feel better when I'm like this. Likewise, I missed doing this for someone who wants me to be there for her for the same reasons. Yeah, I know. I could always run to my friends for this or I could always do my thing and go with the 'yes, I can do this! I'm resilient!' schtick but realistically speaking, like all human beings I have my needs too. Not that I'm complaining, statistically speaking this happens to everyone. Circumstances aside, I'd just want for things to be a little more favorable. I'm not alone, I don't think I'm that lonely but it's that special kind of intimacy I crave for and at this point it's unavailable.

Okay, I'm frustrated over pretty much everything. Enough of this rambling, Lord Gloom has to sleep. It's because of me being this way that the aforementioned issues take on a life of their own and it's just not cool like that.

I'll feel better when morning comes to town.

Damages to the archive

Well, they just go by the name Damages. They are definitely going into my archives though. Ran into these guys on myspace and I swear they're one of the nicest bands I've ever gotten to talk to from Canada. They sent a box full of Damages shirts, stickers, pins, a few copies of All Through A Life's 7" record, a few copies of Damages' Scars 7" and Render Useless' CD Discography. Andrew, I couldn't thank you enough. My band/s owe you a fuckload of material as well. Til then I'll whore the shit out of you and all your bands.

Thank you, Damages!

DAMAGES on MYSPACE

A year in the farthest city

On a much lighter note, we celebrated my birthday last Saturday. Last year, we had a few people over but this time around with new friends and all I decided to ask some more people to come. Kevin and the Model UN came over, members of Caitlyn Bailey and Stolen At Gunpoint as well apart from Denise from Love In Athens. The preparations were rather rushed and some people weren't able to come over but on a whole, with the movies and amount of dumb shit that happened that day and the morning after this would be one of the more memorable birthdays I've been through.

The food was great, didn't eat as much as I thought I would but I'm happy about what we had that night and enjoyed eating my share. All Denise had was ice cream, which is a total rip but yeah everything's cool. I loved the spaghetti tho.

Last year, everything was way too quiet and turned out to be a lot more depressing than I thought it would be. Despite what happened on Saturday morning, things went well enough to make me say that the day went by smoothly. Like I said, things were pretty good and I have these bastards to thank for making the day memorable. My parents included, of course.

Holy shit, Love In Athens was at my birthday! Oh wait, I'm half of Love In Athens! The other half of LIA was there too, she didn't really stay long though but the fact she was there made me feel better already. Either way, I'm happy she made it. If it helps, she kept the whole thing from becoming a total sausagefest. More than that though, I'm glad I have a friend like her. She cares for me so yeah, it's always good having her around. If you're reading this, btw please feel better. I couldn't help but think of what we talked about before you went to bed and well, I'm worried for you but that's a completely different matter. Moving on...

I don't have to explain this, IT'S THE BLACK SHIT FROM GERMANY! Your argument is invalid, I have Jagermeister! Thanks for this, Mom. You're awesome.

The morning after: Clean-ups, fuck-ups and waking up. Many thanks to everyone who helped make this birthday memorable. It wouldn't have been the same without you and simple gatherings like this mean a lot to me. Thank you everyone, I'll see you later in the morning.

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now

It was Saturday morning when I woke up to find a number of people asking me what happened to Peter of Davao City thrashcore band, As A Whole. Knowing what he's been through over the course of the past few months, I braced for the worst and tried my best to think that these people were referring to a previous attempt on his life.

That wasn't the case. On November 28, 2009, Peter Bautista or Jikko/Geeko as we've come to know him stepped forward and walked past the threshold of where life is said to begin and end. He was well aware of the implications of his actions, I suppose. At the very least, he knew or at least he was convinced that this was the only thing left for him to do. Whatever it is, he made his decision and whether or not we agree with it, it's something we're all going to have to live with.

Peter and I were good friends or at least I'd like to think we were. It all started when Paeng and I asked As A Whole to play this show we organized in 2007 which took the scattered parts of what was to be the current Davao City hardcore scene. A few weeks later, we started coordinating and putting things together under the banner of the City Of Thorns Crew following that memorable meet-up/planning session over at Honda Motors, Buhangin. Since then, Peter has been a fairly huge part of my life.

He's been a brother to me ever since. We occasionally fought and disagreed over things but that's not to discount the fact that he did help me out with so many things from family matters to issues with friends and the scene to helping my band come into its own.

Some may never know what would've driven him to this but to those close enough to see it unfold, we only wish him the best wherever he is.

Death is the day we stop dreaming and Pranaka, your spirit remains and keeps on moving. It moves with us and we'll carry that part of you in OUR dreams.

Sleep well, Peter. Your spirit is free.

I will never regret having met you, played and organized shows with you, sang on your record, helped your get your stuff out there in any way I can and everything else we've ever done as friends.

Thanks for everything, Peter. You will be missed.

Why thank you, parents!

Mom, you really know how to make me smile from time to time. Sometimes I really look for your good crazy. Thanks for getting me that Diana F+, mom and dad! I love you two.

We will always float in dead trajectory

We've been floating in dead trajectory since November 26, 1989. We will never be the same again. I'm now officially 20. I intend to live longer than this. Thank you everyone, I love you. All of you.

That would be everyone but you for tonight.

Life in terminals, twenty years hence

If I had to sum the narrative of my life up in just one statement, it would have to be a line by Ian Curtis; "touching from a distance, further all of the time" from Joy Division's song, Transmission. This wouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who frequents I Don't Want To Miss You Anymore, tell us something we don't already know. Hinting at yet another encounter with the said narrative by way of having mentioned it in the first place would be completely justifiable given the nature of the past few months for me. As of the moment, I think I may have exhausted the notion of distance as an underlying theme in the formation of my character in previous years; this will no longer be about that. The past for the most part shall now remain distal as I have chosen to situate myself as a person of today, living and acting in the present.

In previous entries, I have interchangeably used the terms wayfarer and drifter to describe what I see as the condition of a perennial lack of permanence in the field of human relations; at least as far as the individual situation and shared phenomenology is concerned. More often than not, I use these terms in reference to myself. These two shall however make way for the usage of a more canonical term from within my personal taxonomy. From now on, I am a transient. The whole notion of being a transient and its inherent transience shall now stand over distance as the basic foundation of my rambling under the premise that whereas both distance and transience imply situation, being a transient assumes movement whereas the distant subject operates from within the condition of distance.

Long story short, I'll be writing from a slightly different perspective. It's about time I did.


Focusing on enrollment and the first few weeks of class for the greater part of November, I haven't really spoken much on the things I've seen and/or done during the semestral break. A while back, my band went on a short tour of Luzon, hitting three dates over the span of five days. Last year's tour was incredibly botched with guitars getting knocked out of tune, me disappearing intermittently and having the guys commute place to place with a box full of merch I promised to carry. Don't forget how I so conveniently left our drummer's return ticket all the way in Tondo. It was terrible to say the least.

Not wanting for any of this to happen again, I sought to help make this year's tour run as smoothly as it possibly could. I managed to secure transport and a place to stay, hooked us up with shows and everything. Paeng gets to Manila first, the three of us follow a few days later. Save for the long trips between shows and the place we stayed in, things went by rather smoothly. A few friends of ours helped us out and made the whole endeavor particularly enjoyable, organizers, other bands, bums, comic book nerds, elitist hipster snobs et al.

First show was for Joe and Tubby Trousers productions; came home with a cd from Ponchie of Encounters With A Yeti, an amazing post-rock band with an awesome ass video to go along with their live set. A lot of great bands that night, I feel like crap for missing FilterFilter though. Aunt Audrey was nice though. Second show was Earth Decay '09 in San Pablo, Laguna for our good friend and hardcore dad, Agee Linan. Aunt Audrey was there, too. Got there just in time for Wagyu (also known as that band with the really pretty drummer) and that blistering set from the fastest band in the land, Rush IxDx. Got bumped off the lineup quite a few times, which pissed us off a bit but well we got to play, so all's well. It's not easy organizing events like this anyway. Omerta and Curse/Gift didn't get to play which disappointed me, but seeing bands like Shoulder State, Goo, and Tame The Tikbalang left me content. Still royally hating myself for not going to SPC earlier to see Agee's last set with Legarda ever, Ang Bandang Shirley and Ginseng Luzon. Third and last show was for the up and coming Asterisk* Collective, show with quite a number of real screamo bands played that night and it was easily the set I enjoyed the most among the three. Crowd reception was great over the course of the whole tour, first time we've ever had people move to the things we played, much less sing our lyrics back to us. Amazing shows, those three.

While not playing shows, I chose to spend most of my time with some new acquaintances; one of which, I had a particular interest in. I think I've mentioned her a few times in IDWTMYA but yeah. This really didn't end well between me and her. After weighing things out, it's better this way. Sure, I felt like I was led on at some point but I'd like to put that behind me. We just weren't coming from the same time and place. As for her friends, well we still talk. They're fun to talk to from time to time so it couldn't be all bad. It's nice to have a little crazy every now and then, at least not the kind of crazy I'm used to. Now fuck off, Carl Rogers. On to other matters.

Oh, on a side note our drummer left a few weeks after tour following a fairly messy set. We're still working out arrangements for a replacement but we surely will miss the guy. He's been there since day one and did a lot for this band. We'll miss you, man. Move on to greater things and make us proud.


Came home on the 29th of October to enroll for the second semester. Nerves shot to shit, I was incredibly tense as to my status in the AB-Psychology program. If there's anything I want to get around to, it's graduating so I could get the hell out of here. I couldn't afford to stay in college any longer than I have to, there's just too much riding on this for me to take everything lightly. Apart from what my folks are spending on this and the time I've already spent in school, there's just too much of an emotional investment in the program and its people from this end.

I'm incredibly enthusiastic about this semester and I've got all the textbooks I need for this; additional references, a new schoolbag, notebooks, supplies et al. Sure, I spent the greater part of the first week in queue in and around the SS Division for the absurdly tedious task of adding and dropping subjects but I got the job done and classes are working out well so far. The professors are amazing and I love all of them. I have 21 units this semester and I'm enrolled in Social Psychology, Experimental Psychology and Research, Agrarian Reform and Taxation, Writing Across the Disciplines, Cognitive Psychology, Abnormal Psychology and Christian States of Life.

What's my target grade for this semester? Well, that I wouldn't know. All I'm saying is I intend to deserve what I get and things are looking good.


Sleep has been off for the past few days. Personally, I find that a bit off given that my sleep patterns were actually a lot more stable during the semestral break. Good thing I have that new alarm clock though, it really helps me wake up in the morning. That coffee mom brought home from Indonesia works too but still, I'm going to have to rest earlier to make sure I have enough energy for the day to come. Next stop, I should probably work on my diet but first thing's first I need to learn how to sleep.


Since we got home from tour, the CB guys and I took it upon ourselves to let the band a rest a while given how tiring the whole thing was. Consequently, this left me with a lot more time to work on my other bands and projects. Since 2006, I've been doing some solo material- fairly recently under the moniker, Love In Athens. Recently, I just added a new member and things are turning out well for the both of us. We're working on new songs for various compilations.

I've also been playing bass in a Tragedy style hardcore/punk band called Disobjectify with Paeng on guitar and vocals and Paris from Capgun Robbery and We Spell Disaster on drums. That shoegaze band IP and Wilson were starting with me and Janno is on the back burner but I have Love In Athens for that as of the moment. A friend of Denise and I, TJ might get me to play bass and do some programming for this band he's starting. Hopefully it ends up shoegazey enough for my tastes too. We're all into My Bloody Valentine and M83 type stuff so it shouldn't be too far off.


This bastard still follows me around everywhere I go. He's been following me for a few months now and it's driving me nuts. Okay, okay, I exaggerated a bit there. Statistically, it's highly probable that I may see the same cab a number of times especially when we most probably travel the same routes from time to time. It's just weird how many times I have to run into 666. How kvlt is that?


Well, took me a while to put this up but that's the past few weeks for you. It had its ups and downs but it was all worth it. I see good things ahead and well, I'm still taking things one day at a time. See you soon, IDWTMYA!

Call me Elliot Spencer

Now I know what you're in my life for

Love In Athens have a new song up on myspace, it's called 'Parang awa mo na, bayaran mo na utang mo'. This song leans towards a more bedroom/dreampop sound; tried messing out with different mixes and given the quality of the mic recording I think the hazier vocals fit better with what I'm trying to go for. I hope Denise likes it though. Lyrically, it's about how unexpected events bring about the frustrations of shared experience.

On a side note, our good mutual friend Paolo Segura is moving to Manila to live up to the whole Nescafe Soundskool thing. Denise and Paolo have been friends since forever and even if I've only known him for a fraction of the time she has, I guess I'd miss him too. Walking around Damosa earlier on in the evening, we were talking about what it would be like in his absence. After joking around a bit, she had this to say: "You know, it sort of hit me. I was thinking if anyone would be able to take his place while he's away. Now, I know what you're in my life for."

As for taking that supporting friend role, I could never be the friend who's been there for years and years; I could however be the friend who keeps her company while he's away. I guess this ties in with shared experience and well, given the time we've spent, the time we're spending and the time we are to spend together; we only have room to grow.

To friendship, Paolo and Love In Athens. Now I know what I'm in your life for.

Love In Athens on Myspace
Love In Athens on Last.fm

You look shit-faced

You sure looked shitfaced earlier. You look terrible, Francis Maria. Really, really terrible. This only happens once in a while, DON'T FUCK IT UP LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME. The above picture is Francis Maria when he is NOT shit-faced. Goddammit, I look shit-faced.

More from Love In Athens

Love In Athens has been dormant since October given that Caitlyn Bailey was on tour and I had to rush back to school right after for enrollment and class. I missed out on writing the Serenity EP with Nep-C a while back since I single-handedly fucked my laptop over while trying to install Windows 7. Lost files and presets so yeah. Recently, I decided to throw other people in the mix by coming up with a full lineup for Athens. Not everyone has been immediately available to work on this with me but as hinted in earlier entries, Denise has shown an interest in working with me and will be singing. Since I'm with her everyday, getting to her wouldn't be a problem at all. For the meantime, the live setup thing would have to wait. Til then, Love In Athens is a two-piece. We'll be in a few compilations and will be writing a few more songs. Hope this turns out well. As for other matters, I see a huge-ass summary blog covering past few weeks real soon.

Here's the lyrics for the new song I'm working with:

Parang awa mo na, bayaran mo na utang mo

These things are the hardest to let go, these things we'd rather keep to ourselves; the things that only we should know that put our friendships to the test. 3860 words to save your breath for. Well I don't think we have much to say anymore. Is this worth the time we're both wasting and why? This is taking the worst of me and I feel it's just as bad for you. Don't just stare at me, we both know this is out of line. Oh Adrian, if only you knew half of the things I had to say to you. I miss us.

P.S.

I'd personally like to thank Khai Bacolod for coming up with the inspiration for the song.

Fifteen more mornings on the upper east side