Crustfest 2009

CRUSTFEST 2009
too punk rock for this Sarah Records heart

It's been months since Paeng went up to Laguna to take summer classes in UPLB; I've been bandless since Caitlyn Bailey went on hiatus so I kept the little punk kid in me busy by playing a few shows under the name Distances. A while back, Mhaduv from the Kinaiyahan Unahon collective spoke to me about stuff regarding Crustfest and whoever might be interested in playing. I thought, why not, right? So yeah, adds up; I pitched in.

Got texts left and right saying the call time was 6:00pm. I wasn't one of the organizers so I thought things were all set since it's usually that way when I get invited elsewhere. I got there sometime around 7:30pm and the show was nowhere close to starting. Yeah the gear was there but it was this really shoddy drumset, a muffled PA and some really really tiny amps. I ended up hanging out with some of my friends from hardcore bands, Clobeerin Time and Roundhead instead. Walked around for a bit until sometime around 9:00pm when the guys had dinner somewhere around GS before going back to the bar. 9:30pm, still nothing there! Alter was outside, he asked me if I could help with the setup. Well, I was apprehensive but I tried seeing what I could do. I offered to play next just to get the show starting. Got the second slot on the bill.

After tinkering with the mixer a bit, I decided it was more important for me to hear my drum tracks on the PA. Per usual, I played guitar out of two amps just to fill more space soundwise. What about the mics? The mics were horrible and since I was working with the laptop plugged into the PA, I pulled a Jeromes Dream on everyone by refusing to play with a mic. Everything set up, I played. 5 Songs, 5 minutes. That was the same set I played last time with an intro track before the actual songs and a new song in between. It was over pretty quick and much to the dismay of my friends, I had to leave right away.

Why leave so soon? Well, I guess shows like this come and go. There are some things I actually come home to now. I'd like to spend more time on that whenever I can.

Well, that's Crustfest 2009 for you. I hope next year would be better. At least this time, the cops weren't called on us like last year.



DISTANCES on myspace

Untitled

Taken before an accident on the way home from Nevada

With every step we take, we move closer towards the arms of a thousand sunsets. In tongues, we speak of ourselves and our histories; writing each other pages inked in the language of footsteps. "From here on in, we tread lightly." you said. "From here on in, we are unbound and freed from the shackles of our trails." I replied.

We exist in the blur that lies between tomorrow and our every yesterday. For years I've known this; since you came in, I started believing. With eyes fixed to the stars outside my window, I sighed. Your reflection in the night sky as witness, i spoke:

"...and in this blur, there was clarity. Only since the moment I found you."

Thus was another step into the arms of a thousand sunsets.

Deliverance

GOD, SHE WALKS AMONG US
and I have been forgiven

The world won't understand yet even in this absence, she'll bless us. Amelia Fletcher exists and in plain sight she walks among us. For all our sins, we have been forgiven. As the fruits of our sorrow have ripened, we shall now feast in paradise. May Amelia bless our every tomorrow.

Going peacefully

ETERNITY WASTED ON THE DYING
no one will thank you when you're dead

The other day, I went downtown to break the sheer monotony of staying at home with my mom and my brother all week. I picked up some comforters from the laundromat and I was basically done with what I had to do. Well, lo and behold; another thing to add to the list of things I should've thought of before saying or doing. Following the template for potential alcoholism, I decided to drink by myself again. After dinner and a few beers at Brew's, things got pretty stale quick. Ateneo's usually desolate around this time so it was highly unlikely that I'd end up seeing anyone I know walking around the area. I left, a bit tipsy at that but yeah still standing and my motor skills weren't down the shitter yet. Walking up Juan Luna over to Jacinto where I parked, I gave up on thinking of where I should go next. I was too broke to go shopping, too tired to hang out elsewhere and hanging out with some of my other friends would just bore the shit out of me in my generally unmotivated state. What to do? I got into the car and drove off for a while. Departing from my usual route, I drove to Bankerohan and back, passing Brokenshire and some cemetary along the way. Somewhere along Dona Vicenta, it clicked. "Why don't I take a walk?", I thought to myself. I remembered the cemetery I passed by earlier so yeah, you know the deal.

Before I knew it, I was back at that gated cemetery sifting through people's headstones and looking to see if they had cool names or died young. Oddly enough, I didn't see anyone in my immediate age group. A lot of them were born in the 40s/50s and were buried with their spouses. Pretty Jake Bannon if you ask me, taking their love to the grave as per The Broken Vow. Anyway, it wasn't long before I started getting the creeps and found myself taking pictures of cats eating out of dumpsters and kids playing around mausoleums. I went home real quick afterwards. It was about to rain anyway so yeah.

I got home sometime past 8pm. Felt heavy afterwards though; I'm not exactly sure what I brought back home from this excursion but something's telling me I missed something. Some hidden message coded within my course of action or whatnot. Whatever it is though, I'll find out somehow. Maybe it's just me being bored as shit without anything (or anyone) to look forward to when I get home.

It's Friday, she's probably back home from her beach trip by now. I seriously hope she's on later; I really missed having her around in the wee hours of the morning. I mean, honestly I've been listening to RnB all week since she left and I swear, the stuff's growing on me. Nobody ever gets ME into new music I haven't previously gotten into. NOBODY. Well, that's changed. At least Erykah Badu's keeping me company in the meantime so it's not all bad.

I'll see you later.

It all started here

I TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM!
never regretted it

I don't exactly know how to put it but Shortbus did a lot to open my mind to a few aspects of human sexuality that I previously wasn't aware of when I was 16. This was around the time I was getting myself into both gay culture and indie rock, I think. For whatever it's worth, this film provided a synthesis between the two and left the world with the first signs of the Francis Maria we see today. I'm currently revisiting this film for any details I may have missed out on and I expect no less than another stellar night of blissful decadence and sexual reawakening. Watch this one if you want to, you might end up feeling the same way about it.

I've been gone a long time

GIMME A COUCH AND SOME POPCORN
it's time to NOT get a life again!

I haven't really played anything seriously since my PSX broke back in high school; eventually I just dropped out of the whole gaming thing, period. Since I spend most of my time on the internet and I just so happen to have a PSP (which until now has been used exlusively for music) I decided it was high time for me to pick something up for whatever patch of summer vacation I have left. My friends and I always spoke of how cool Silent Hill 1 used to be and how it was sort of funny trying to kill zombies with a scalpel so downloading the PSP edition wasn't too far off. I just started a while ago and I'm having fun so far. Shit, I missed playing.



P.S.

This is also due in part to the fact that I can't get to summer's end basement cleaning because I lost the vacuum cleaner and would have to wait another day or two until I find it. Gah.

Summer is ending

A YEAR SPENT IN PASSING
we only have the rest of our lives

1. Home is where the heart is; I am always home.
   
2. Let's make plans and pretend that we're smart.
3. We've only just begun to live.

Honestly put, I've always had the heart of a transient. I don't know if it has something to do with my fear of being/staying confined to the same sights, sounds, faces and names or whatever but I always had the tendency to make things up as they come along; never really establishing good long-term relationships with people in general. Does it make sense saying I'm fairly sociable AND withdrawn? I sure hope it does. It surely feels that way. Friendships have always been a source of both great highs and bouts of great perennial despair; I think it's like that with everyone, just more so for me I guess since I definitely don't want to be as distant from people as I've continually been in the past. Friendships don't have to be perfect and they don't have to be good all of the time. Hell, sometimes people have the absolute worst foot forward for anything remotely related to human relations; the bottom line though is we've only ever gotten as much as we want to get and in the end it's all up to us to make sense of it.

Summer has been sort of an eye opening experience for me. Probably not on the level of Paeng spending his summer in Laguna or Mia's volunteer work in Compostela Valley but still significant nonetheless. I guess in my great need to digest the world in bulk, I've carelessly forgotten to pay attention to the subtleties of life and living. That way, summer has blessed me with a lot of things; healing from the pain of loss, a new set of beautiful tomorrows with friends I know would last me a lifetime, the opportunity to branch out into more diverse circles of people and even the thought of loving again. School hasn't been it's best, but I could safely say that I learned more this summer in and out of school than I have in previous years. Hanging out with Dianne, Carlo, Mimi, Lawrence and so many wonderful people left a lasting impression on me and for once made me hopeful that in all my eccentricities, I was never really alone. It would've been easy for me to try and overcompensate and pay lip service a few months ago. I was a real bad wreck. The way things went however helped me get back on my feet just as fast and hey, I'm here and I'm stable. Not the stability I used to know, rather something more concrete; something I can depend on and something I have to take care of. Everyone takes people their own fair share of a lifetime to try and make sense of how to live with other people and whereas I started really late, I'm confident that I'll be just fine. I know we don't have that much in common but I love each and every single one of you. I don't know where to start and I don't know how to say it but yeah, I do.

I used to believe in taking things one day at a time and somewhere along the line I lost track of that. Within the past few months, I've gotten closer and closer to that part of me and now I'm learning to embrace it again. Summer is slowly coming to an end but these beautiful memories will always remain with me.

Thank you everyone. My friends, my mom and especially YOU for making the whole world lovely again.

"I'll see you next summer. I know we'll still be together."
Apple Orchard- Last Summer's Love Affair

On the origin of the species

I swear to god I will fucking choke you guys if you laugh. Haha, kidding. Honestly though, here's a little lesson on evolution for all you creationists out there. I'm also going to throw whatever cool points I have out the window so yeah, whatever. From ages 13-19.

SECOND YEAR HIGH SCHOOL
when I wanted to be that guy from the Deftones

THIRD YEAR HIGH SCHOOL
when I wanted to be the skater kid who liked loud music

FOURTH YEAR HIGH SCHOOL
when I wanted to be metrosexual like my classmates were

FIRST YEAR COLLEGE
when I wanted to be hardcore

SECOND YEAR COLLEGE
when I was captain skramz

THIRD YEAR COLLEGE
when I wanted to bring back "punk rock"

FOURTH YEAR COLLEGE
3rd/4th year irreg actually, trying to shed the hardcore stigma

Moscow Olympics

MOSCOW OLYMPICS
more black metal than Darkthrone

Truth be told, this band is fucking amazing. Among all the other local indie/pop bands I've heard, they have the most polished sound among them. They have this cold yet intimate vibe to their sound and a very calculated consistency for the sound of their releases. Everything they've put out is well recorded, ambiguous/androgynous shoegaze/twee that falls no short of the best of Sarah and Creation in all honesty. One thing that gets my proverbial goat about these guys though is the fact they NEVER approve myspace friend requests, never reply to messages and never so much as give info on how to grab a hold of their releases locally. I'ma order some of this on vinyl when I have the money. It's frustrating not being able to contact them or even know if they have shows whenever I'm in manila but I guess it's part of their dark, foreboding charm; that sense of intimate obscurity that feels like you're in bed with someone and your grade-specific glasses are nowhere to be found.

MYSPACE

Pick these records up:
Moscow Olympics- Still EP
Moscow Olympics- Cut The World
Moscow Olympics- Split EP with The Morning Paper

Cio che siamo, cio che non vogliamo

I HATE YOU, INTERNET!

sorry for the shitty internet last night. :(

On a lifetime spent waiting

now, I'll have a double everything

Well, the deed is done. Two weeks ago, we made an agreement that by sometime this week we'd take an extra step in getting to know each other by sharing our personal blogs. This Monday, we showed each other our own "secret" blogs and for the love of christ I don't think I've been that nervous in a long time. I seriously thought I'd scare her off and all but she actually felt the same way and shared the same nervous apprehension. It took a lot of guts, what we did two days ago. Being an incredibly public figure for a no-name kid in the middle of nowhere, I'm still incredibly secretive and it scares me to know that people know how I actually feel; that people could actually see through whichever front(s) I put up to keep the rest of the world at bay. That's another story though. Moving on, I see nothing but good things ahead and for as long as it takes, I'll work at her pace. This is definitely worth the wait and the Carpenters are singing in my ear again. I'm actually smiling again and I'm smiling more often. She's afraid to keep me waiting but then again, when you've spent your whole life waiting you don't really have much to lose.

Thinking about it, why shouldn't I give this everything I've got? We've got the rest of our lives until forever anyway.

I'll see you again tonight, though.

"We've only just begun..."- The Carpenters

Some records everyone should check out

Yeah, just to follow up my earlier blog post here's some stuff I think everyone should listen to.

• Secret Shine- Loveblind EP
• Secret Shine- Beyond Sky And Sea EP
• Secret Shine- Elemental EP
• Secret Shine- All Of The Stars
• Aberdeen- Homesick And Happy To Be Here
• Northern Picture Library- Alaska
• Blueboy- If Wishes Were Horses
• Marine Research- Songs From The Gulf Stream
• Sarah Records- There And Back Again Lane

I like you better with your trousers around your ankles

"You swear you know, perhaps you do; it could be true but you don't react like me."
The Sea Urchins- Pristine Christine

SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS

I guess it feels like I lost a bit more of my stake in humanity by feeling threatened by things beyond my physical grasp and subsequent emotional field. It's probably from setting my standards too high and spending too much time on the internet, really. Anything good that comes my way in regards to people almost becomes a matter of life and death and this is no exception. I would probably run out of words to say and a face to show after she reads half of the entries on this blog. It's only two weeks till then and from there on, I'll let incidentality take care of the rest.

I went out earlier in the evening; told my mom I needed a breather and then I was off. It's been a stressful week at school and I absolutely hate how unproductive I've become; the whole "he/she's back!" scenario Mimi and I were talking about earlier doesn't help either. I drove off around 9:00pm and headed straight for Jack's Ridge. Now, everybody knows how much of a sucker I am for the traces people leave behind. I went around, taking pictures with my SLR as i came and went. When I finished my roll, I ended up having coffee at that coffee shop right next to the stairs. I sat there listening to Aberdeen the whole time while sipping on that (Caitlyn) Bailey's coffee blend I ordered. I was picturing out where the piano used to be and how at some point, someone I'd actually end up liking used to be in that same room playing to her friends. That's the reason I went there, really. Just to feel that little trace of her she left behind. I was retracing steps, wondering where she once tread. Is it wrong for me to do so? Is this making me look like a complete idiot acting like some hopeless romantic driving into the sunset in the name of chasing daylight?

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to make of it but hey, I'll take things as they come and go. This blog was about taking risks, living, loving and moving forward. Whatever happens, no regrets.

Afterwards, I headed to Blugre Landco to have a few beers for the same reason I went to Jack's Ridge earlier. Went home after finishing a couple of bottles, so yeah. It was a long day; a long, slow winding day. I only hope I could last till next week. Then, I could rest but only after facing the music. It IS next Sunday after all.

Oh well. At least I tried. Don't hate me for this. For whatever it's worth, you helped me feel like my life had meaning. I don't even have to explain how anymore, you did what you did. The rest is all up to you. I could only keep hoping amidst the odds.



P.S.

The blog title's from an Aberdeen song, Clouds Like These.

Amelia Fletcher

She is adorable AND heartbreaking.
More words to live by, care of the Sarah Records roster.

"So I flirted to touch, so maybe I laughed too much; so I teased you. So I said lots of stuff you interpreted as love; I didn't mean to. So you felt sure you were mine, I was yours. So I was dumb, not to make things clear before. So you hurt deep inside when I talked to other guys; so I noticed. So you gave me your time, love and hope but i kept mine; so i'm selfish but nothing I did or could ever have done would justify what you did to me last night"- Heavenly- So

On the making of Les Amants and an interview with Jeanne Moreau

EVERYONE SHOULD BE MURDERED

That way, it's easier for me to quit hoping.

I am pretty disappointed yet at the same time still increasingly hopeful. It probably has something to do with the whole notion of never giving up on something I want until I get it, lest I be a total brat about it and start complaining until I get it anyway. Nevertheless, there are some things I just hope would've come easier for me. I'm pretty self-centered that way, really. I've really grown to dislike always having to stretch myself thin over things that for the most part remain uncertain. Yeah, I'm pretty hard to please and I'm even harder to get along with but I don't think it would be right for me to pretend I wasn't. People will always end up seeing through me anyway so I don't see the point in going the extra mile until I find someone who doesn't mind what she sees past all of the pretentious art bullshit I try so hard to espouse. It's sort of like getting an unlimited number of allowable absences if you're a dean's lister or something.

As defined by one of my professors, love is the hypervaluation of another's subjectivity when two phenomenological fields come together. Leaning towards being a figurative drifter, wayfarer or flight attendant, I guess I end up crossing other people's paths on a regular basis. I fall in love with the thought of new beginnings rather quickly and I seldom ever fall out if it just so happens to be exactly the way it is the way I see it. What sets these people apart, then? What makes them so special? Among the 392473287432 phenomenological fields I come across, why should I pay attention to just one? I can't really say for sure. I don't think anybody could ever give a straight answer for anything of the like. Some people just aren't like everybody else. I don't know what it is that makes me stay up all night for you, I barely even know you but that's not stopping me. It scares me to a certain extent. What if the spark never leaves?

All I know is I feel something and my heart would only ever race for something (or someone) no less than monumental. I don't know how long this would last; it probably isn't forever but my heart is still racing.

I just wish I made yours too.

"Take my hand."- Jeanne Moreau's lover in Les Amants

Mimi Plaza and the story of my life

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT
Neither does she, really. This is why we're friends.

1. You are one of the best friends ever and I love your curls.
2. There is no way we are going to let other people's exes win.
   
3. Make like the Saddest Landscape, cover your heart!
4. THIS IS WAR, MI! BASAGAN NA!

"Isn't love supposed to be fun?"- BMX Bandits

There is a light that never goes out

I HOPE SHE ISN'T AN AMELIA FLETCHER

at least not the acapella track on Atta Girl!

1. I'm tired of being disappointed.
2. Dear Morrissey, please save me.
3. I hope she isn't Amelia Fletcher on "So".
4. It's time to pray to Bobby Wratten again.
5. Sarah 100: There and back again lane
6. I should stop counting chickens before they hatch.
   

Years spent in passing

You wouldn't want to be in there.



OH YES, LOVE WON'T FADE!

1. Some girls give me bad luck and majorly cramp my style.
   
2. Jehovah will go Chuck Norris on your ass if you question him.
   
3. My lady friends are all hooking up and I'm happy for them.
4. Someone's been under the radar lately.
5. Years we spend in passing; the past few days and Love In Athens.

Haven't blogged for the past few days and I guess I have a little catching up to do. First off, for a pretentious and openly agnostic art fag such as myself, it's funny how I still subscribe to some vague notion of "good" and "bad" luck. Well, relativity aside it's just odd having skimmed through Nausea and still occasionally (read: often) act in light of what Sartre would call "bad faith". Book references aside and simply put, I'm superstitious. I have superstitions for a lot of stupid things; inevitably one of them would include girls.
I don't want to appear like more than a conceited, self-consumed jerk than I have to but for the record, as much as I enjoy the attention it just fucks things over every time "those" girls crash the little party I have going on in my head. So far, I don't have anything. I'm single, yeah but I sort of made up my mind that I'm placing my bets on someone I wouldn't regret falling for if ever things work out well. Can't I ever get anything I want without any of the incessant distractions? Honestly everyone, fuck off. I want this and I'll wait and slave over this until I get it or fail miserably. You girls are cramping my style and that's not cool. The more attention I pay you people, the farther away I drift from whichever goals I have in mind. Moral of the story? I SHOULD KEEP MY EYES ON THE PRIZE, PERIOD.

In other news, my brother got into a car accident the other day. It was a bit past midnight, he was on his way back when some motorcycle with 0328490328409832047 people on it sideswiped him. He swerved and rammed a hole into the side of a building. It looked pretty bad when I visited the wreckage. The car was totalled but at least he got out with no more than tons of bruises and a few cuts. We picked him up from the hospital that same morning. He is currently in the other room recovering and enjoying relative infamy for appearing on TV the day after; allegedly spewing expletives in straight call center english. I'd like to blame the motorcycle driver for this but I get the sinking feeling his de facto girlfriend's family put Jehovah up to it. Moral of the story? JEHOVAH WILL GO CHUCK NORRIS ON YOUR ASS! RESPECT!

I've been blogging about how happy I am being good friends with a lot of charming, beautiful and inspiring women. Here's something about them; two of them at least. Mimi and I have been close for a while and we spend most of our time talking about other people. She told me once about this guy from school she sort of liked, some BMX rider guy who listened to pop-punk and was all shy and stuff whenever he texted/talked to her on the phone. She hasn't really been into anyone since she broke up with her last boyfriend and that was a loooong time ago so yeah, this is sort a big thing for her. Interest sort of waned for a while, then suddenly this guy comes back and tells her he likes her. What does this spell? Absolute win for her. She had him around her finger for a while, then she got drunk as shit with a few friends and ended up calling him to let her know how she felt. Sounds like a package deal, right? Moving on, Denise is a friend of mine that I used to have a crush on from first year college up to fairly recently. We have our fair share of mutual friends and listen to some of the same music so yeah, we always had stuff to talk about. We're pretty much just friends now. She's been talking to me about her boy problems for quite a while and now she's going out with someone new who apparently ISNT like her previous boyfriend. Turns out, I know the guy AND the guy's mother. My verdict? I APPROVE. My lady friends are hooking up and for lack of a better term, kinikilig ako. Moral of the story? Anything is better than talking about how you and 9 other guys jumped a guy and beat the crap out of him. Girls, honestly I love all of you. You never cease to inspire me.

Speaking of inspiration, someone particularly inspiring has been under the radar lately. Yeah, it's her again. Haven't spoken to her for days. Apparently, she's trying to adjust her body clock and I've been waiting here like an idiot all night since forever. Then again, I'm sort of an idiot for forgetting she told me she'd be sleeping earlier, so we're even. We're talking right now though and things are good. The more I talk to her, the deeper I seem to drift into uncharted territory. I don't want to say what it is before it is what it is but yeah. I'm this close to breaking it out in the open. Well, for the sake of all that's good (or in this case, in "bad faith"), I'm keeping my eyes on the prize. Patience, Francis, patience! There is no way I'm letting this much win pass and like I said earlier, I want this and I won't let this fail. At least I'll be hearing "aren't you going to sleep yet?" again before I go to bed. That's a nice thought.

In other news, Love In Athens' next EP will be called Years We Spend In Passing. It'll have three songs in it, one instrumental and two actual songs. I just spoke with Angelie about this yesterday and she agreed to help me out in the vocal department for this record so in Sarah Records tradition, this will be a short three-song EP with both male and female vocals. I'm writing lyrics for this and I'm still trying to come up with a fairly decent way of laying them over the songs. It should be out, real soon. I'll post updates soon. Almost final mixes are up on the Love In Athens Myspace. Check it out if you have time.

I'll get back to this soon.

"Now, we watch the glow; "Oh no!" as the fire comes and I want to say "oh yes!" love won't fade. Now, it's time to go; I watch as the star explodes and we are one just floating to oblivion."- Secret Shine, Oblivion

I'm missing the point that at this point in time, we remain missing.

"How long, how long until i see you? And when and when does the light come shining through? Remember days when we were so young and old."- Gregor Samsa

THESE PAST FEW DAYS

1. Got rained on walking from Orange Grove to Green Heights
   
2. Disappointed by Chicago's Finest AKA Peter Cetera's brother
   
3. Asian Civilization Exam: Arabs and countries ending in -stan
   
4. Environmental Science Exam: Minamata Disease, Mercury
   
5. Trigonometry Exam: THERE AND BACK AGAIN LANE
   
6. "...Aren't you going to sleep yet?"

It's been raining quite a lot lately. Whether it's a good sign or not, I have yet to find out. The past few days have been particularly moody. Today on the other hand, went by rather smoothly. I went to school early and I was on time for every subject. That's a first really considering I usually take exactly 20 minutes to travel from here to school if the traffic isn't too dense. We had exams today. I was out of there pretty quick, I just hope I got most of the answers right. Haha, I think I passed anyway so yeah.

Moving on, the weather has been consistently warm in the morning and rainy/cool in the afternoon. Prior to majorly fucking over my wiper linkage a few weeks ago, I used to enjoy long drives in the rain. Dad had the car fixed last week while he was in town so finally, I can take Agatha (my car, in case you didn't get the memo) out on the rain-soaked road again. I gassed her up and took her around town this afternoon. Traffic was pretty tight but I didn't really mind this time. There's something about the rain, a little traffic and Secret Shine blasting on the stereo that makes me want to sink into the back of my seat and just chill in between stop lights. It's a beautiful feeling really. I just wish I could share that feeling with someone in the near future. Well, for whatever it's worth I'll be fine in the meantime. I'm just waiting for early morning to roll in. That should do for now.

"...Aren't you going to sleep yet?"

Between waking and sleeping

Still waiting

I HAVE TWO WEEKS UNTIL SHE SEES THIS!
I'm still nervous as to what she would think when she finds out.
Either way, I'm still thankful I caught her tonight. At least that accounts for something.

Some girls are bigger than others and I don't mean that in a morbidly obese way

I don't feel like I'm alone in the woods anymore

I wish I stayed online long enough to see you come and go. You have no idea what it means to a guy like me to have someone greet you good morning everyday. I missed the feeling and if only I spent more time with you, I'd say I miss you too. My life is encapsulated by these distances. If waiting for you is what it takes to bridge that gap then I'll wait. I know you can't make promises and I know for sure that you still aren't prepared for this but hey, I'll take my chances and wait for that day. We only have the rest of our lives to spare and I have the whole Sarah Records catalog to listen to till then.

"Hang the dj!"- Morrissey

P.S.

If you happen to see a red Nissan March with the plate number YEP-470, look at the doors. You just know I've been thinking of you and I'm nervous as shit for so many reasons. Oh well, nothing's happened yet so I guess I shouldn't fuss about it in the meantime. See you when I see you.

Drive me a little bit further and whisper what's on your mind

"Hold me a little bit longer, take me somewhere else. Tell me whatever you want to. I'm such a fool for you. Drive me a little bit further, whisper what's on your mind."

This album is the perfect soundtrack to a long drive and as blasphemous as it sounds, I'd prefer this over shoegaze staples like My Bloody Valentine's Loveless and Slowdive's Souvlaki. The release has a very dark and sensual vibe throughout, something that's all too often hinted on in bands of this type but never executed to its fullest extent. From their early days on the legendary Sarah Records label, the band has grown from being the little innocent Sarah pop band to this brooding, hazy shoegazing beast. To the members of Secret Shine, I'd like to salute you for giving me a new set of words to live by and an amazing album that'll always be there to pick me up when I'm down.

Phrase of the month and related statements

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT

1. I forgive you. Let's be happy from now on.
2. I hope she's worth the wait.
3. R= d/t (Ten minutes and a block or two)
   
4. I've been coming home to you for days now. I like that.

Up to you to guess where you fit in, who you are and what I mean.

The joy of living

This is the room I used to live in.

For the greater part of my younger years up to the last throes of my teenage life, I've lived in a shitty apartment in Obrero. Growing up content with the company of my parents and a television set in front me, I was sideways set up to be a kid who could do perfectly fine without people bothering him. I grew up without feeling like I had much of a stake in the human race so to speak and that left me with a few character traits that still voice themselves out today. I didn't really care about anything or anyone at the time and subsequently I preferred spending my time alone as to wasting my time on what I generally saw as an indistinguishable flurry of particularly uninteresting people, places and events. I won't really get into the details though. This really isn't something I'm particularly proud of, really. All I'm saying is, at this age I still find it hard to interact with and relate to other people who don't happen to share the same specific interests, much less other people who I can't establish any shared history with.

Up until recently, I felt that being alone was something I could do for the rest of my life. It used to be something I could do with ease; something I particularly enjoyed. Upon entering high school, I was unwillingly tossed into a world of new languages and traditions; one whose biodiversity was permeated with every possible human characteristic, mixed, matched and reconstructed en mass. The older I got, the more I saw that no matter how much of a hermit I believed I was in essence, I fit in some vague notion of a "bigger picture." It was cold, dark and far away from home. For the first time, I actually felt lonely.

My first day in college was one riddled with both the excitement of new beginnings and the fearsome afterthought of being alone in a sea of people. My friends all went off to different colleges (or at the very least, different courses/divisions). I lost touch with them and went my own separate way. They went on to grow up the way they were and I sunk back into the hole I dug for myself every time I felt I lost friends. My then-classmates weren't really that bad but they weren't the kind of people I wanted to be with. I was a demanding middle-class kid who didn't have friends and listened to music nobody liked. I needed more people like that. I had to find people I could get along with somehow.

Around that time, I got in touch with Paeng who just so happened to be one of my childhood friends from when I was 7. I reconnected with him over the internet and started a 90s-style old school screamo band where I sang and he played guitar. This eventually led to my immersion in Davao City's various music scenes and later on my sense of community with the Davao City Hardcore/Punk scene via the City Of Thorns Crew and my current band, Caitlyn Bailey. Oddly enough though, I still felt lonely. Soon enough however, something came along and flipped me over my fat head; something that was to leave a lasting impression on me.

I fell in love around that time as well and for the first time I felt that I actually found a girl who could give me the love and emotional intimacy I craved for so badly. Someone nothing short of spectacular, someone who's actually up to par with my standards for what a woman is and what a woman should be apart from traits I wanted in a partner for myself. I guess it was doomed from the start with me still staggering from one stage of life to another and putting all of my faith and stability on the shoulders of a woman who lived miles, cities and eventually oceans away.

The loneliness was too much for me to bear and I guess she got tired of that. If it's only hurting everyone in the end, what's the point of prolonging agony right? For whatever reason, it didn't work out between me and her. I was bitter. I was bitter and very very hurt. Maybe I'll write about Belle and I someday but to keep things short I guess the best thing she ever did for me was to break up with me and send me off on the path to being a better person. It's been quite a while and I think it would be safe to say the wounds have healed. I wouldn't mind never seeing or speaking with her again, I openly and happily accept that this is just another page in our shared histories. Putting things into perspective though, she wasn't just a lover to me, she was my equivalent of what could be called a religious experience. In all truth, the greatest act of common decency I could give in passing is a sign that for whatever it's worth, I was grateful and her efforts weren't in vain. I won't speak on whatever I feel I may have learned though, that's for me to live through for myself but yeah it's time for me to write on a fresh new set of pages. This is my "morning after" and I could finally smile again.




Starting over, I packed my proverbial bags and set off in search of brighter skies and fresh new horizons. Beginnings always have a special space in my heart and as of the moment, I think I've been doing my part in trying to establish genuine friendships with people that don't always have to be a carbon copy of me and my eccentricities. It's taking me longer than I think it should but at least it's getting me somewhere. Now, I'm looking forward to whatever good things life could throw my way. Beautiful people, lasting friendships and second chances for whatever wrong I've done and pain I've caused. School is so much more fun now, I'm not depressed anymore and I think I'm ready to love again.

Like a page by day calendar, life is one day at a time and I'm getting there.

On being a figurative flight attendant

More often than not, I see myself as a perennial chance passenger who ends up boarding aircraft without the slightest, vaguest clue as to where my final destination may be. Long story short, I am a drifter; at least my heart is as far as i know. Last time i took one of those spontaneous flights, I ended up thinking I'd be settling down in some beautiful foreign land for good. I had plans and all, plans of building my life around a whole new set of coastlines and streetlights but apparently I had neither the foresight nor the strength of will to actually pull it off. It got sour and all, completely draining me of whatever resources I had. Eventually, the city and I just had to call it quits. I moved elsewhere for a while but it didn't work out any better than the last one did and that place wasn't exactly that notable. No offense though. Now, moving on...

The romance of travel isn't quite dead yet. I don't think it'll ever die, really. Regardless of how traumatized I was with the whole capital city thing failing, I also saw that there was still hope and beauty in other things I wouldn't usually expect such potent inspiration from. The simple comforts of neutral friendship and the serenity of living in a well-hidden part of town both worked hand in hand in whipping me back into shape ever since I came back home last December. Now, I feel like I'm ready to travel again. Wherever I choose to move, It wouldn't anything short of both passionate AND well thought-out.

Here's a few questions though:
1. Is this city too good to be true? Does it really even exist?
2. Would moving to this new city be economically or personally viable?
3. IS THIS TOWN READY FOR ME YET?

We are practically sister cities, but we're distinct enough to warrant individual demands from one another. It looks good so far but how are my odds actually faring? Well, it's not just up to me now. I don't really have much of a say in the matter.

We are flight attendants and we flood foreign capitals with our grace and simple charm. Is this a flight towards the rest of our lives or are we boarding planes that lead to nowhere?

I have no idea. I hate being so fucking figurative all the time.

Quiet hearts for a quiet start

My name is Francis Maria Regalado and I don't want to miss you anymore.

I sing in a hardcore/punk band called Caitlyn Bailey and am also involved with various projects including (but not limited to) a modest indie pop endeavor called Love In Athens and children's art under the name You Mean The World To Me! (YMTWTM!). I have also been associated with the local DIY hardcore/punk scene via my involvement in the City Of Thorns (COT) crew. Currently, I am a Psychology major in some local university and I am about to graduate in a year and a half (hopefully). That's the Cliff's Notes version though, we've only just begun.

Once again, my name is Francis Maria Regalado and I don't want to miss you anymore.